Familiar Ground

[outlier_lynn]

I've been down this road before. Last night I suggested that I was lonely. That is not quite right. What I was feeling was alone. It just took me a moment to get the romantic nonsense out of the way. You know, the part of relationships that says "You and me against the world." I was calling it lonely because I'm feeling like I am alone fighting an unbeatable foe and I just didn't want to be alone in the battle.

I feel asleep reading an Elizabeth Moon novel. I found myself identifying with her young heroine and that was the lens that reshaped my circumstance.

I'm also HIGHLY SUGGESTIBLE. I drink coffee all day every day. Caffeine is not a problem for me. But last evening, Amy said if she drank the coffee I ordered at "this time of night" she would be awake until 3am. I said it wouldn't be a problem for me. I forced myself to put the book down at 2:30. I think I was awake for quite awhile after, though.

Maybe the caffeine, but I suspect it was something else. I've been building a case for worrying and yesterday was filled with circumstances that neatly lined up with my concerns. Mostly, this is money driven. (And just now, one of my jobs for today was cancelled.)

It always takes me awhile to remember that I don't have to save the world or anyone in it. I notice, though, that I have a habit of putting myself in situations where someone or something needs saving. Sigh.

There is a kind of human interaction that shows up like a missing in my life. A kind of interaction that I want -- maybe need -- and it is generally not available to me. But it's not available mostly because I avoid creating the possibility of it. Why? Because if I convince myself that it isn't really possible, the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and purposelessness would be disastrous. It feels like too big a risk.

I get glimpses of it now and then. Moments. Somehow, though, I seem to feel undeserving. The last real glimpse was my last two interactions with Michelle and Jim. There is the life I'm leading. There is the life I want. And they are pretty far apart and I don't see a bridge in either direction.

I've had my ups and downs over the last year. But that is overlaid on a slope of unacceptable. Just how bad will I let it get before the risk of action is less than the risk of inaction? I don't know.

I know that it drives many things about my life. It affects who "gets love" from me and who I fall in love with and how I express it. It plays a big role in what characteristics I'm attracted to. The problem with that is that I take people at face value. Over time, I find out that the person isn't who they claimed to be and I felt cheated and used.

Several things that have been said to me in the last couple of years really linger. I'm sure the speakers have long since forgotten uttering the sentences, but they landed hard over here. Some (spoken by Tamara) were "truths" I didn't want to hear, but have come to reluctantly accept. One (spoken by Amy) raised more questions than answered existing ones. Some (spoken by members of my household) were pieces in an impossible jigsaw puzzle. Some by friends assuming I'm fully in support of their goals and dreams.

All those interactions build a picture of how I am seen and heard by the people in my life. And, mostly, it's not how I'm intending to be seen or heard. I seem to spend a lot of time trying to correct an impression.

Tamara is the only one who ever really got it right, but it took 18 months of working closely together in transformational work. And as I look around my life, I see that it is just not possible to have that level of connection with only casual effort.

That really sets my whole view of the universe on its head. And that really sucks. But it also has a great deal of freedom in it. For some reason it is now less important to me that I be understood by people. It is feeling separate but not isolated. Apart but not exiled. Different but not distorted.

Sadly, though, it shows me many of my "roots" are mere illusions. Little falsehoods I've created to give myself the feeling of belonging. And worse is the realization that "belonging" is just another little falsehood. It is not really possible to lose one's self in a community or group and that, I realize, is the "belonging" I was longing for.

Oh, brother! What a realization that is!

Comments

Re: Familiar Ground

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

i've been thinking lately a fair bit about your posts. one thing that's becoming clear to me is that they're often too vague for me to say anything meaningful in reply.

when you say "that's the life i want" and point at interactions with jim and michelle, i have no idea what that means. not like it has to mean anything to me, mind -- i am not even entirely sure why you keep this journal. is it just to talk to yourself? why public then? is it to get different perspectives from people who care to participate? other reasons?

it sounds a lot to me like you're spinning your wheels, and that is guaranteed to bring out my fixer who wants to have indepth discussions about details and motivations, and come up with a plan of attack to solve the problem, *little grin*.

general musings:

there are claims of who one is, and perceptions of claims -- those are not the same in the way that the map is not the territory. and rarely is who one is etched in stone anyway. i know i am only partly who i want to be, and some of my effort in becoming who i want to be is expended in projecting the possible future self (in the assumption that playing a role, like repeating a mantra, will help me shape that future). it does not always succeed, and then i might give up on it entirely, or i might modify my expectations. to the outside this might well look like a lie. a lie, however, is a willful untruth; i don't do myself the disfavour of living a lot of lies. my personality and the way i live my life is a work in progress, however, and there might well be unknown untruths, or wishful thinking present.

expectations are such a bitch, aren't they.

Re: Familiar Ground

[crazed-lynn.livejournal.com]

Expectations are Horrible! :)

My journal does look like a lot of wheel spinning. That's mostly because I have a recurring "issue." And when it flairs up, I write journal entries. They aren't intended to be vague, but I have noticed they are getting more and more obtuse.

I wanted it all to be public for two reasons. I don't want to have secrets. So I figured I'd let anyone who wanted into my head when I was working through stuff. The other reason was to demonstrate that it is possible to be public about one's fear and worries.

What I have noticed, though, is that I can't be specific enough to prevent misunderstandings, hurt feelings and other forms of drama. People tend to read into it those things that would have it be worse for them. :)

It has failed to create closeness for me or for them. Now, I guess, it's habit.

The relationships I want come off sounding vague because they are. :) I've gone into two marriages and joined several groups based on "first impressions" and later discovered that was a very bad idea. :)

I really want to be in someone else's head and I want them in mine. And I want that in groups. I think some people call that the "soul-mate" relationship. It's a romantic pipe dream. And as I wrote that, I realized it's part of the "Half a person until True Love hits" crap I've been arguing against for years.

I guess I have been thinking "If I can't have it, then I'll spoil it for everyone." Rationally, I don't believe in the "halves into one" concept of love, but when I'm feeling incomplete or broken, it's an appealing "easy" fix.

Re: Familiar Ground

[crazed-lynn.livejournal.com]

I was thinking today, while on the model stand, about "relationships" and I realized that I've been holding out for any of a dozen relationship "models" but they aren't real.

For instance, I've wanted Valentine Michael Smith relationships, or Vulcan mind-melding or Betazoid mind reading or Asimov's GAIA.

I've been looking for a fantasy to work in real life. And everything must fall short of that. There is no chance of creating a workable relationship if my standard is outside reality.

Guess it's time to grow up. :)

Re: Familiar Ground

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

just quick; more tomorrow when i am awake -- why do you want those kinds of relationships? nevermind whether you should want them, or whether they're possible -- what do you want from them? what would they give you?

Re: Familiar Ground

[crazed-lynn.livejournal.com]

A relationship that really had no secrets -- such as one with complete telepathy -- would put an end to the persistant fear that people are just pretending to like me, are tolerating me at best, using me at worst, and will eventually -- and intentionally -- hurt me.

It's entirely about pain prevention.

[rhps-mom.livejournal.com]

The soul-mate doesn't always have to be a romantic partner. I have felt closer to an individual who was not my partner. Someone who shared more than my life; they shared my thoughts and dreams, likes and dislikes etc. My husband and I love each other completely but we have a lot of different likes and passtimes.