(no subject)

I've spent the better part of ten years, maybe a little longer, involved in sexuality education in some sort or another. I've attended (always as an observer) some serious sex parties and bdsm parties. I've been in rooms where a hundred people were being sexual. I go to Rocky Horror Picture Show every week where young people play at sex, arrange for sex, fall in love and fall out of love.

There is now something that I can say will reliably be TMI for me. There are somethings I just don't want to hear or see anymore. I've put in my time. I am done with it.

It is possible that the scope of that will increase, too.

It is not that I am offended or in any other way put off by people being sexual in my hearing or presence. I'm not. It's my access to that part of being human.

I am, though, very put off by the rationalizing about what someone will or won't do. If I never hear someone talking themselves into sexual behavior again, it will be too damn soon.

(no subject)

Slept too few hours. Woke up sneezing. Not done yet.

The last few hours of the party were amusing, disconcerting, confusing and, at times, beyond my experience. Hanging out with the guys. Reminds me of my Navy days hanging out with the guys. Speculating about the women we know and which ones are to sigh, lie or die for.

Most interesting.

(no subject)

I'm a fascinating creature. I can hear myself say all sorts f things to myself this morning. Many of them contradict other statements of "fact."
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What a piece of work is man, even this one. *smile*
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I like all these confused feelings. I would rather they show up one at a time, but I'm quite happy that they all show up. It means I'm alive. This is a good thing.

(no subject)

spam with the subject like "NUDE AMATEUR WOMEN".

I find that very funny in several different ways.

(no subject)

YaJE.

In my youth, I yearned for something to believe in. A god, for instance. If not a god, then a universal truth against which I could evaluate my moral worth.

I misunderstood.

Kevin Smith put something in Dogma that haunted me and shaped my thinking. I have a new understanding of humanity based on a model based in faith. I think it is rather funny that I, of all the people I know, would suddenly become an adherent to faith.

What I was unable to do was separate faith from belief. There may be many ways to label the linchpin of this model, but "faith" works for me. It is not a belief in the future or the goodness of man or a life after death. It is not a belief that everything will work out in the end. Belief requires dogma. Belief requires that there be something understandable in which to put one's faith.

Beliefs are problematic. Faith is essential.

Every action I take in any direction that moves me toward an unknown future is an act of faith. Bold action often requires a leap of faith. Take the bold action and see what happens. This is not the same as planning a result and taking a bold action. The former only requires faith. There is no success or failure. The latter requires belief and failure is always just beyond the next action.

Without a faith that the future will exist, there is no point to any action above survival actions. Actions that are aligned with living into a created future requires that one have faith that a created future will exist. Not may or can, but will.

Having that faith, gives us our juice to live right now.

If one dwells in may or can exist, then one is living in hope that someday life will turn out. That someday one will have faith. Someday. Living in someday kills the life of today and creates memories filled with regret.

I have faith. I have a relationship with faith that not only allows but requires leaps of faith. I more or less knew this already. What I didn't really get until last night and didn't find words for until today is that the power, magic and joy of living isn't about the future I am creating, it is all about the faith.

It is faith that gives me my present. It is the faith that empowers and emboldens me. It is the experience of leaping eagerly into the future unafraid that has right now feel special, valuable and worthwhile.

I have declared my commitment to love and compassion. I believe that it is a natural state for human beings to love one another and to have compassion for one another. I take actions consistent with that commitment. I don't know what will happen after I take those actions. I don't know that love and compassion will arise from what I put into the universe.

And it doesn't matter if love and compassion arise or not. What will happen will happen. There is no hope for the future redeemed. No grand scheme that will end in world peace. There isn't even a hope that we will stop slaughtering each other.

There is only faith. With no evidence either way, I will take actions consistent with the stand I am and I will do so until someone throws dirt over my cold, dead body. And what happens on the planet as a result of my actions will just be what it is. Not better. Not worse. It will just be what it is.

Damn. Who would have ever thought that I would describe myself as a "man of faith."

(no subject)

In the days of my very first car -- a baby blue VW beetle (I loved that car) -- all one needed was a timing light, a voltmeter and a good set of tools. Those were the days.

It is very difficult to be a shade tree mechanic these days. I understand the need to reduce emissions from cars, but I miss spending a day playing in the engine compartment and having a car run like a dream for six or so months.

That didn't stop me from getting oily and greasy this morning. I have a sense of satisfaction even though I am not sure I did anything of any value for my poor, ailing Geo.

One more thing to do before I take it to a smog testing station tomorrow. I am dreading that trip. Either the car passes and all is well, or it fails and all is lost. I will miss the Geo and it's great gas mileage. But this could be the end of it's life. Last time, it just barely passed hydrocarbons. Just barely.

Sigh.