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I'm a fascinating creature. I can hear myself say all sorts f things to myself this morning. Many of them contradict other statements of "fact."
And each statement is designed to justify what I feel or to create some wall to prevent feeling it again. Nothing I'm telling myself this morning is real. Hell, what I'm feeling isn't real, either.
It's just interesting to watch myself. Old habits die really slowly. I was reminded, on more than one occasion last night, of my first wife. And I was reminded of myself when I was a young man.
I will continue to party with my friends. And I will continue to have difficulty with the parts I'm not thrilled with. And I'm sure I'll hear some stories again, and again, and again.
At the end of the night, I will feel loved, loving, in love and lonely, isolated and nonhuman. And it is all fine. Better to have the a lot of the first to balance the blaring presence of the latter.
What a piece of work is man, even this one. *smile*
I am quite clear, though, for whom I have a more personal love and for whom I have a more general love. There are a handful of my current friends that fall into the category of folks I would feel devastated to lose. Interestingly enough, I find I've been trying to prevent that. I've been trying to spread the general love so thickly around me partly in an attempt to prevent myself from falling in love with people. It hasn't worked. The general love is wonderful, but it isn't a barrier to heartache.
Right now, among my RHPS family, there are a half dozen I would cry over if they were suddenly out of my life. Of those, losing the friendship of three would bring on tremendous grief.
I like all these confused feelings. I would rather they show up one at a time, but I'm quite happy that they all show up. It means I'm alive. This is a good thing.
And each statement is designed to justify what I feel or to create some wall to prevent feeling it again. Nothing I'm telling myself this morning is real. Hell, what I'm feeling isn't real, either.
It's just interesting to watch myself. Old habits die really slowly. I was reminded, on more than one occasion last night, of my first wife. And I was reminded of myself when I was a young man.
I will continue to party with my friends. And I will continue to have difficulty with the parts I'm not thrilled with. And I'm sure I'll hear some stories again, and again, and again.
At the end of the night, I will feel loved, loving, in love and lonely, isolated and nonhuman. And it is all fine. Better to have the a lot of the first to balance the blaring presence of the latter.
What a piece of work is man, even this one. *smile*
I am quite clear, though, for whom I have a more personal love and for whom I have a more general love. There are a handful of my current friends that fall into the category of folks I would feel devastated to lose. Interestingly enough, I find I've been trying to prevent that. I've been trying to spread the general love so thickly around me partly in an attempt to prevent myself from falling in love with people. It hasn't worked. The general love is wonderful, but it isn't a barrier to heartache.
Right now, among my RHPS family, there are a half dozen I would cry over if they were suddenly out of my life. Of those, losing the friendship of three would bring on tremendous grief.
I like all these confused feelings. I would rather they show up one at a time, but I'm quite happy that they all show up. It means I'm alive. This is a good thing.