It's an interesting "emotion." I put that in quotes, because I don't believe it's a fundamental emotion at all. Instead, I believe it's an individualized combination of emotions that come together for someone when given circumstances are present. I've spent many years being angry and I've listened to many people while they were angry. I think there are a few common components.
Anger is a response to feeling powerless. And the more powerless one feels the more substantial the anger. It doesn't matter what the actual event is that triggers the anger. Anger is not a proportional response to an event, it is a proportional response to feeling powerless. In that, no genuinely angry response is ever "out of proportion."
Another component is "something is wrong." Circumstances are not compatible with expectations. Life isn't turning out the way it should. The more our picture of how our environment is out of sync with "reality," the more angry our response will be. There is either too much of something bad or not enough of something good. Either way, the circumstances of our lives are not right. Anger will be proportional the amount of deviation from what is right.
Anger is righteous. The anger person is looking to lay blame for the situation and punishment is the order of business. (When I was younger and perpetually angry, the righteous component is the one I relied as the "good reason" to be angry.)
Putting it all together, an anger response is more about a failure to be than it is with the circumstance. It doesn't matter what the circumstances, or who did what to whom. The anger comes from one's perceived failings. Watch the pattern of someone's anger and you will know just where they feel inadequate or broken. The stronger the anger, the more damaged one feels.
And it's all learned. What is learned can be unlearned. A different way of being -- of reacting -- is available.
So, if anger is what up for you, I'll listen to it, but I won't be enrolled in it. Persist in trying to enroll me in anger and I'll start asking you questions about where you feel powerless. I'll ask what expectations you have that aren't being met. And I'll ask just what you are going to do to be responsible for the situation.
I will have empathy for your failure to be, but I won't empower it.
Anger is a response to feeling powerless. And the more powerless one feels the more substantial the anger. It doesn't matter what the actual event is that triggers the anger. Anger is not a proportional response to an event, it is a proportional response to feeling powerless. In that, no genuinely angry response is ever "out of proportion."
Another component is "something is wrong." Circumstances are not compatible with expectations. Life isn't turning out the way it should. The more our picture of how our environment is out of sync with "reality," the more angry our response will be. There is either too much of something bad or not enough of something good. Either way, the circumstances of our lives are not right. Anger will be proportional the amount of deviation from what is right.
Anger is righteous. The anger person is looking to lay blame for the situation and punishment is the order of business. (When I was younger and perpetually angry, the righteous component is the one I relied as the "good reason" to be angry.)
Putting it all together, an anger response is more about a failure to be than it is with the circumstance. It doesn't matter what the circumstances, or who did what to whom. The anger comes from one's perceived failings. Watch the pattern of someone's anger and you will know just where they feel inadequate or broken. The stronger the anger, the more damaged one feels.
And it's all learned. What is learned can be unlearned. A different way of being -- of reacting -- is available.
So, if anger is what up for you, I'll listen to it, but I won't be enrolled in it. Persist in trying to enroll me in anger and I'll start asking you questions about where you feel powerless. I'll ask what expectations you have that aren't being met. And I'll ask just what you are going to do to be responsible for the situation.
I will have empathy for your failure to be, but I won't empower it.