Tainted...

[outlier_lynn]

It's been a few months since I was in touch with untainted love. I'm in touch with it again.

I notice that when I'm working very hard to create a future with certainty, I get one. And let me tell you, it's no fun. It has no joy, no juice and no love. I can get along quite well for years on end with no joy and no juice. I've done it.

But I don't get on well without love.

I'm not talking about "love" in any way that is likely to pop into anyone's mind when the word is used. I'm not talking about the quality of relationships. I'm not talking about any of the physical manifestations from just being happy that another person breathes all the way through mind-numbing lust. I am not talking about anything that exists outside of me.

It's about how I feel when sitting here, working on scripts or playing solitaire or typing away into LJ. It's the quality of thoughts that come in the breaks between periods of intense concentration. It's the quality of my listening for myself and for the world. {That, of course, was jargon. :) }

In Landmark, there is a wonderful distinction called "being a clearing for." It is the intention of being a "space" or "clearing" (like a meadow in the forest) in which what you want in your environment and what you want in your relationships can arise. There is no forcing or trying to make things happen. It's about a quality of being.

Landmark suggests that one needs a lot of training to be a clearing for. That is slightly off. We are always a clearing for. Look around you. What is it that you have the most of in your interactions with people? What is the quality of your life? The tragedies and triumphs? What is the character of your personality and what kinds of people do you attract?

Look around. What you have around you is what you are a clearing for. And, if you are mature, you have lots of skill at being a clearing for what you have, right? I mean, you have it pretty consistently.

One can train ones' self to be an intentional clearing for, though. A clearing to have what you really want show up in your life. And it isn't difficult. There is nothing hard about it. It takes a little hit or miss work, it takes a bit of time, and it takes a willingness to keep being a clearing for in the face of no results.

What gets in our way is this. When you are a clearing for something to arise, the first thing that shows up is everything else. It takes time. Whatever barriers people have in place will play out in the space of "clearing." All the learned ways of being and reacting in new and odd situations will show up. But, be a clearing long enough, and what you are a clearing for shows up.

That's the quality of love that I'm talking about. It's standing in love -- a state of pure acceptance of life as it is and people as they are -- long enough for people to become genuine when they are around you.

I've been impatient and not being a clearing for love long enough. I gave up when what was being created around me was anti-love. Not indifference or hate, just anti-love. Also, lust showed up or lack of lust or anything about lust. "Failed" relationships, New Relationship Energy, anger, hate, indifference, mistrust, emotional economics, and everything but love. And I gave up.

Now, I will pat myself on the back for standing in the face off that without giving up for as long as I did. But, the sad news is that I gave up. And that cost me nearly everything.

So, I'm back to being a clearing for love. I can feel it throughout my body. And it is a good feeling. And I'm prepared to stand in the face of everything else. I am not, however, prepared to condone everything else.

There is also another "clearing" conversation. It is present in lots of different programs. I rather like a mix of Landmark and HAI for this one. This is a conversation in which one person can just let it rip. They can say anything and everything that is sitting in their head keeping them from being present and genuine. And I mean everything and anything.

One MUST start that conversation with some request, though, or the listener is going to react and that isn't the point. :) A request like, "Can you just get this?" or "Can you listen?" The listener better be ready to really LISTEN without adding anything -- even if the speaker says something personal. It is a great gift to be able to listen. Most people don't trust this animal at first, but it is a great way to keep the lid off the kettle.

I'm such a listener. It is possible to say anything to me -- even things about me -- if I have agreed to "just get it." It's a gift I'll give to nearly anyone, btw.

And with no segue, joy isn't about what we do. Joy isn't about what we have. Joy isn't about what we think. It is not about what people think of us. And it's not even about how we feel or what we feel. At least, not how or what we feel as a reaction. Rather, it is what we create for ourselves without regard for our history or our probable future.

Joy is the peace that comes from standing freely in the face of uncertainty, present to what is happening at the moment, and giving up the conversation that something is wrong.

And there I am again. Back. Finally. And for the moment, I'm not in a place where I can get sucked into the perpetual social conversations of "something is wrong here," "I don't belong" and "It isn't going to work out."

• If nothing is wrong, and life is a conversation, what is possible? (Landmark)
• Everything is either love or a cry for love. (Human Awareness Institute)
• It's easy to forget during joy. Watch it go. Is it you? No. Neither is pain. (idiva{Information Diva})
• Happiness runs in a circular motion. Thought is like a little boat upon the sea. Everybody is a part of everything anyway, You can have everything if you let yourself be. (Donovan)

Love.