tolerating

This morning, I've been thinking, off and on, about some patterns in my life. Mostly I've been thinking about how situations and circumstances affect my moods.

Specifically, though, I'm thinking about my relationship to my environment. I'll make up three broad categories for this: 1) things I want in my environment; 2) things I will not accept in my environment; and, 3) things I will tolerate in my environment.

Items that make up categories 1 and 2 are pretty easy to determine and are seldom an issue. Or, at least, not an issue for long. I tend to do something about either if a problem arises.

Category 3, however, is a real pain. Why? Because these things always have a time limit. I will tolerate nearly anything for a given period of time. After that, it slowly shifts into a category 2 thing. The problem is, I haven't noticed quickly enough and my mood suffers drastically.

Plenty of resignation and cynicism shows up. Anger. Hate.

If that goes on long enough, and I still haven't noticed, I go numb.

By this point, I'm busy playing all the old "what's wrong with me" conversations in an endless loop.

Now, how did all this get started this morning? Well, I heard the trash truck go by so I hurried to deal with trash in the house and my paper recycling box. And all at once, I knew what's in my environment that has moved from category 3 to category 2.

My household is exceeding my limits for clutter and, more importantly, for garbage. There is nothing like garbage to bring on, in me, feels of being down and out, ignorant, worthless and loathsome.

This is a time honored issue for me. The only times when my environment consistently fell below my clutter/trash/garbage limit was at sea on a Navy ship.

And I can see that this strongly affects my opinions of those I'm living with. And my opinion of myself. I am not a slob and I have no wish to live like one.

Now that I see what it is, there is action to take.

And my mood just took a great big jump up. ... Wow. I mean a really big jump up. I feel nearly giddy.

(Of course, now I'm worried that I'm bi-polar! -- well, okay, I was once, as a late teen, diagnosed as borderline manic-depressive, but she was a quack.)

Articles of Faith

This will be circular, okay. I know it. Hell, all matters of faith are circular.

Suffering is optional. I'm fond of saying it. And I even believe it. It is the strength of my faith in that idea that determines the amount of time I suffer.

In the day to day of life, everything thing we do to get along in the world is a matter of faith. There are just somethings individuals are better at believing than other things.

We generally believe that the next bite of food is safe and will taste fine. We have a long history that says food is safe and tastes good. And we can do things to make the odds of safety better or worse. But as the fork moves to our mouth, we have a deep faith that all will be fine.

We generally believe we will be alive at the end of the day and through tomorrow and the day after that. The older we get, the more aware we are that we will die, but we have faith that it won't be soon.

We believe in love -- however we define it for ourselves. We might not believe we can have any of it, but we believe in the concept.

As individuals, we believe that life will turn out or not along some general path that we can predict and that we spend a good deal of time telling others about.

It is all faith. And it is real only as far as we believe it and we convince others that it is real. When we forget it is just a belief, we are at the mercy of it.

Another way to look at this is as a point of view. I have a particular point of view about love, money, jobs, family, rhps, friends and so forth. It is the way I look at life. And i operate as if my point of view has physical reality. That my undistinguished opinions are the truth of the world.

How dare anyone have a different opinion? Don't they see that they are wrong! :)

But it's just an article of faith. And we can believe what ever we want to believe.

As long as we don't forget that it is just a belief -- just an opinion or point of view -- we can live an extraordinary life.

Only the occasional crisis of faith can shake our world. Then, remembering that it's just a point of view, the dust can settle and suffering becomes optional again.

We suffer not because of the beliefs we know are beliefs, though. We suffer about the beliefs we are quite sure are true. Use the water is wet test. :)

Water is wet, rocks are hard and xxxx.

It's those xxxes we think are Truths that bring on suffering. And that, too, is just another article of faith.

Daemons, dragons and life.

There I go again -- thinking.

Wanna compare lives? I don't. I've never fond the game of "who has it worse" or "who has it better" a fun game. Probably 'cause I've a ready to go default of "I have it worse" and I don't want to be dissuaded. :)

I right some pretty strong stuff in my journal. For instance my thoughts of suicide the other morning. I don't know, or care, if my journal speaks to someone reading or shocks someone reading. It's a journal for me.

Aerie watched Being John Malkovich yesterday. If you are reading this, you have found the trap door into my mind. You, however, will not be able to control my actions. :)

I have wondered though, if people reading my journal think I should seek professional help; if reading about my dragons and daemons worries or upsets folks.

Although it hasn't always been true, my dragons are mostly tame. I walk with them and seldom get scorched by their foul breath. My daemons scream incessantly but mostly they are just shouting at the wind.

What gets put in this journal about their snorting fire and shouting is just another way I remind myself that as bad as they are, my monsters are just dust bunnies under my bed.

Desire is not alawys physical

Creation, destruction, creation. Longing for a touch to my heart. Living in the shimmer of memory. Missing that which I've never had. Hearing your voice in my sleep. Listening for your laugh in a crowded room. Finding reasons to not call or write. Waiting for everything, expecting nothing. Losing a game I'm not even playing. Unable to create the game I want. Feeling loss where there is none. Feeling envy for those used. Love comes easily to my heart. Love comes easily to my dreams. Love comes easily for you. I've known you for years. I met you last week. I was your lover. We never spoke. To touch my soul to yours. To give freely. To accept freely. To find myself in your eyes.

To be found in the moment. To be whole and complete to your mind. To be your shelter in the storm. To be safe in your harbor. Hearing your voice in my sleep. Listening for your laugh in a crowded room. Finding reason to not call or write. Waiting for everything, expecting nothing. Drawing away from you in Everyone I encounter. The gift of love spurned. Not malicious. Just not wanted. Love comes easily for me. Love does not come easily to me. Giving what isn't wanted. Receiving what isn't satisfying. Moving through the definitions. Looking for an acceptable point of view. Looking for a way to be loved And to be in love with you. Hearing your voice in my sleep. Listening for your laugh in a crowded room. Finding reason to not call or write. Waiting for everything, expecting nothing.

This is another fine moment brought to you by love. For Ann-Marie, Julie, David, Michelle, Pat, Jan, Piglet, Judy, Alix, Dan, Dell and Donna.