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outlier_lynn

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June 13th, 2004

outlier_lynn: (Default)
Sunday, June 13th, 2004 12:26 am
"You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need"

Wants and needs. Interesting relationship between wants and needs, I think.

We have the superheros version of RHPS (sometimes called the UK Version). After Janet sings her verse, we sing the chorus of this Rolling Stones classic. But we stop before we sing the last two lines. The all important last two lines.

My way of looking at life isn't the right way. It isn't a better way. It is not the natural or intended or moral way. It's just the way I look.

And I have a need to look and to keep looking. It's what I do to get what I need. I'm more than curious about how I work and how human beings work. And I either spend a lot of my time with that in mind or I spend a lot of my time numb.

I've tried numb. I've tried angry and frustrated. I've tried prolonged periods of hate. And I've tried prolonged periods of love.

Love works for me. I can have compassion for myself when the going gets tough. I can withstand a lot of drama -- mine and others.

But the glue that holds that in place is the inquiry into what it is to be a human being.

Sometimes I forget that others don't care about that inquiry. To me, it is as natural as breathing. I just sometimes forget that it's what I made up to get my basic human needs met.

It's neither right nor wrong, good nor bad, moral nor immoral that other's are not rigorously soul searching as their dominant mode of operation. Sometimes I go down that tunnel, though. Sometimes I get frustrated with folks playing a different game.

I do have to expand though. I've got all my eggs in one basket. That is not a good idea. :)

In all the communities in which I spend time, there is one that provides sufficient feedback to keep me from doubting the value of my existence.
outlier_lynn: (Default)
Sunday, June 13th, 2004 12:02 pm
I have a great life. Wasn't always so.

It isn't perfect, of course. I have all the same doubts I've had for as long as I can remember. I have all the same stories floating around about my relative worth as a human being. I have all the crap I've always had.

But now I'm not digging my way out of down times with a teaspoon.

And I have great tools and masterful skills with them for creating my life. For rooting around in the muck and finding the things that work for me. I can see when it is time to let go of somethings and to build up others.

Uncertainty isn't the scary monster it once was. I'm not the fatalist I was when I was 20.

Yep. I have a great life.

I was thinking this morning of the people in my life and my relationship with them. I was clicking off where I stand with people for the one's where I am comfortably sure. I was a bit surprised at the length of the list. I'm more surprised that it isn't lopsidedly women.

Who's on the list? Click if you dare. )What does it mean? I don't pretend that I actually know what any of these people think about me or their relationship with me. I just feel comfortable with their reactions to me. And I feel reasonably sure what reactions I can expect. (It's disconcerting when I am way off with any of them, though.)

Nor is that list an indicator of the "intensity" of my relationship with anyone on the list or not on the list. This is a small subset of folks who somewhere in my relationship category at Friend or above. It's just a marker with whom I am most at ease or where I am not experiencing angst about where I stand.

It's a nice list. Long enough to be comfortable and not so long that my head is obviously in the clouds. :)

And the people on that list are an incredible lot. The only thing (besides me) that they all have in common is that they are very bright. They are diverse in opinion and politics. They are scientists, lawyers, singers, philosophers, educators, and entrepreneurs. They are from various places in the US, England, European continent and Australia.

Yep. I have a great life. It's one worth poking and prodding. It's worth introspection. And, without modesty, worth sharing. It's a fine, fine life.
outlier_lynn: (Default)
Sunday, June 13th, 2004 01:58 pm
In the last day and a half, I have received six very interesting emails from people who don't read my LJ. They are all from people I know well, though. Each email expressed gratitude for some specific thing I contributed to them and their life. Something that has changed their world forever.

I love my life.

People are amazing animals with bright spirits. We are all whole, complete and perfect. There are only barriers to our self expression. I love being able to help people remove the barriers. I just love it.

Edit to add: BING. How quickly one can forget. That's one really juicy, rich with possibility, inspiring reason to be a part of the Crazed Imaginations Rocky Horror Picture Show cast. Oh yeah. :)

Love is a fine sea in which to swim. No sharks.
outlier_lynn: (Default)
Sunday, June 13th, 2004 11:31 pm
Worse than I thought. Go, Lynn. :)

One of the ways I act out when I'm uncomfortable is with impatience. It is almost never directed at individuals but at chains of circumstances.

Folks who are around when that happens will, as people do, take it personally. I've been upsetting people. Isn't that special. Not bad for someone committed to Love and Compassion, eh?

Sigh. I think I'll just slink around in the corners for awhile and hang my head in shame.

I haven't a clue how to clean this one up in any direct manner. Maybe I'll deliver a general apology. Hell.

Really. I'm trying very hard to be Love and Compassion. I get to be human, too, though. :)