Throwing in the towel

I have a very long history of staying at the table long after the last course has been cleared away. I hate giving up or giving in. I hate it. Really hate it.
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As an aside, I really hate vicious, mean people. In the last three weeks, I seem to be exposed often both directly and indirectly to vicious, mean people. Tonight it was a violent drunk. This guy has been a recurring theme outside our theater.

And while I have a head of steam up, two pet peeves are:

1. "I didn't mean it, I was drunk (or stoned)" Try that one on me to excuse some asshole behavior and you will lose twice the number of points you might have otherwise have lost. I am not interested in how you gave up responsibility for yourself.

2. "I know she said no, but I could tell she really meant yes." Just assume a no means no. Period. If she is playing some coy game with you, she will start saying yes when the game doesn't work. Even if she doesn't figure it out, it isn't necessary to stick body parts into every other human being on the planet. Treat every no as if it is a real no. Period. Pressure someone to say yes and you lose all your points in my score card and you are cut from my roster.

I just don't have time or energy to spend with willfully irresponsible people.

Coaching

Sometimes life feels so powerful and perfect that it brings tears to my eyes. I just had one of those moments (a two hour call). There is nothing so fine as making a difference in someone's life.

I am a great coach. I'm not just competent and reliable as a coach. I'm great. I just made a direct difference in the lives of two people. And that difference is going to profoundly affect the workplace of one person and the romance of a second.

I know that I have something special to contribute to the willing. I just have to remember the part that folks have to be willing.

My anger left as I prepared for the coaching call this morning. Whew!

Buckaroo Bonzai

That fine philosopher, singer and scientist reminded all who saw the movie, "No matter where you go, there you are."

I've having a love/hate relationship with that precept.

Stuff I have learaned for myself.

Over the years there are a few things I've learned:

• My hormones don't get to decide if I enter into a romantic relationship. They screen candidates, but, no matter how insistent they are, the final decision is out of their hands. As much as I like New Relationship Energy (NRE), I make no open ended promises while in the midst of it.
• My emotions don't make any decisions. I believe that any given emotional response is simply a reaction to the meaning I gave an event. I will feel what there is to feel. When the feeling is past, then I'll pick a course of action. And that course will be consistent with the future I have created for myself. (at least, this is the plan. :)
• In the place I am standing, I am alone. Others might be near me. They may or may not be on the same path moving in the same direction. It doesn't matter. In the end, I am alone in my growth. My relationship with everyone is as chance meetings of mind. Being responsible, in the moment, for who I am being is the only chance for the moment by moment end of loneliness.
• Falling in love is a Kodak moment. At the moment we fall in love with someone, we take a mental picture of them. If we aren't paying attention, we transfer all our love to that picture and spend the rest of the relationship comparing our sweetie to it. They will not measure up and we will be left disappointed, bitter and alone.
• The past, if it happened at all, is over. The future, if it happens at all, hasn't happened yet. If we are not happy and fulfilled right now, we are missing our lives while hoping and wishing. Such is the life of a drama queen.
• I may never get the things I want. But it isn't the having that matters. Most of the time we don't think about what we have, but what we haven't yet acquired.
• I have three modes. I am preaching to the choir. I'm talking over the heads of my audience. I'm in another's world such that I am heard, my communications is clear and it makes a difference for the listener. Unless I'm the last mode, I am wasting everyone's time. I fully expect this entry in my LJ is wasting your time.
• Fun is not a sin.
• There is no sin. All morals are relative. If you think otherwise, you are fooling yourself.
• What I am most sure about is the least likely to be accurate
• When I start thinking "It shouldn't be this way," I'm about leap into a dark hole

I was asked a question by my coach.

What's it take for you to say someone is your friend?

That has started an inquiry. Oh my. Well. Here's what I've come
up with so far in building a scale.

Stranger: Someone I haven't met or I've met and not remembered.
Acquaintance: Someone I have met and whose name I know.
Buddy: Someone with whom I share some passing interest but isn't a part of my life aside from that given interest.
Friend: Someone I would call to invite to a party or a gathering. Someone I would call just to shoot the breeze.
Good Friend: Someone I can ask for a favor and will likely get a yes.
Best Friend: Anyone I can call in a physical or emotional emergency and know that they will be available and willing to help.
Sweetie: Someone with whom I have made some mutual agreements about helping and sharing the good and the bad.

I've noticed an unwillingness on my part to have people in the Buddy or Friend category. I've also noticed that a lot of people seem to want me to have them in that category. I'm not happy about my unwillingness or what that must be doing to that second group.

I know what I want. I want a a large number of Sweeties, a larger number of Best Friends and a world full of Good Friends.

Sigh. It think that might be aiming just a little too high.

It will be part of my general period of evaluation during June. If this scale holds up to further scrutiny and if I really have no room in my life for Buddies or Friends, my attitude about RHPS has to shift radically. The cast would end up being a few Good Friends, a number of buddies and a lot of Acquaintances. My notion of a "cast family" will have been a joke and I've been living in a pitiful illusion for two years.

And right now, it looks exactly like that. This, though, would be me looking through an "upset filter" so the accuracy of any of this is highly questionable.