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outlier_lynn

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June 1st, 2004

outlier_lynn: (Default)
Tuesday, June 1st, 2004 01:04 am
I had a good day.
Why?

Well, it was quite warm -- bordering on hot. It was crowded. It was loud.

The three circumstances, when combined, can cause a highly agitated response in me. One in which I feel a strong need to get away, act in mean ways and, generally, create chaos in my wake.

I felt it coming on. I spoke out loud, "Breathe, Lynn. It's a good idea to breathe." The feeling quickly dissipated.

Huzzah for the Lynn. It has been very difficult for me to catch myself fast enough to abort the automatic response. This is a major victory.
outlier_lynn: (Default)
Tuesday, June 1st, 2004 07:58 am
The Geo is at the mechanic. I have an estimate of $170 and that doesn't include the actual repair. That's just diagnostics.

I'm not feeling particularly good about this. :(
outlier_lynn: (Default)
Tuesday, June 1st, 2004 08:02 am
When a circumstance is large in my life, like the status of my cars, everything takes on bigger significance. And hopelessness edges is as if the sun were setting. All my shadows are growing larger while I'm shrinking.

It's moments like these that my emotional reaction is to RUN and live in a cave.

Sigh.

This too will pass.
outlier_lynn: (Default)
Tuesday, June 1st, 2004 12:44 pm
Geo repair is $1400. Fuck.
outlier_lynn: (Default)
Tuesday, June 1st, 2004 01:58 pm
Yesterday, I discovered a couple of things about my free workshop.

1. I picked Father's Day for my free workshop, Experience the Love. Damn. Well, I'm not changing it again. It will either happen or it won't.

2. I'm doing a particularly lousy job of enrolling people. Sigh. I think I know a little more about what I was saying and wasn't saying that has interest flagging.

I'm just always surprised when someone doesn't want to more love in their lives. The problem, as it turns out, is the many different definitions of love.

Anyway.

On another note. Suffering is optional. Really. But I can see right now, I need a plan, or I'm going to start another round of suffering. I'm very close to being at the mercy of my circumstance and I've been on that edge for too long.

Sigh.
outlier_lynn: (Default)
Tuesday, June 1st, 2004 04:07 pm
I'm on it just a little. I'm being a little cynical and resigned about people who are cynical and resigned. :)

Some People's Truth about Landmark Education )Where is Captain Kirk when you need a hero impervious to brainwashing!

If you believed any of that, even a little, then I have several bridges and I'd like to sell a part interest to you.

I suggest you don't ever attend any Landmark event of any kind if you are worried that your brain will be sucked out through you ear. If, on the other hand, you are pretty sure that you are in charge of your brain, you might want to check out this education.

As Morpheus said, "Free you mind!"
outlier_lynn: (Default)
Tuesday, June 1st, 2004 05:32 pm
I've been nursing a conversation along for several days. All of it in my head. Today, I shared it. I've been avoiding sharing it. Actively and with great success.

It would be the only place recently where success seems present. And that sucks.

I've noticed that mostly I have been only mildly moved, touched and inspired lately. Worse, though, is that my "possibility" isn't pulling me into action. That's a bad sign.

I'm still inspired by "love and compassion; the creation of love, peace and joy in every conversation," but I'm taking very little action to forward the action. And it inspires me not much at all for the day to day things in my life.

Most noticeably, it provides no juice actions to get Be The Change off the ground. I've not stopped taking action, but the few actions I'm taking are not effective.

This is leaving me frustrated and sad. I'm feeling separate and alien again. And resigned and cynical. (Unlike soldiers, Old conversations never die. They don't even fade away.) When I'm cynical, the people around me deal with my bristles. That leaves them a little less that excited by my presence. I'll read every comment or glance wrong and respond badly.

Granted, my dips aren't what they use to be. Nobody has run screaming from me in a long time. :) Still, if I want certain results in my life, I better create some possibility that can fuel the required actions, right? Of course, right.

The possibility I'm inventing for myself and my life is the possibility of being passionate.

Once upon a time, passion was part of my "love and compassion" possibility. Dropping it out wasn't a good idea. :)