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For those of you keeping score at home, the first of the Haven House principles is: Ask for 100% of what you want, be willing to hear "no," then explore options for a win-win.
This is far easier said than done and I've been teaching/preaching it for seven years. I'm masterful at hearing "No." I'm getting much better at asking for *anything*! Now I have to work on the explorations aspect.
When I get a "no" to a request, I should be asking why in some form or another. If I am left to my own devices, I will invent a reason -- and it will be oh so reasonable -- that will probably (track record) be way, way off the mark. The "no" might never be a "yes" and that is okay. I don't make requests unless I have a preferred answer, but I want anyone I ask for anything to feel that a "no" will be heard and respected. I can deal with disappointment. :)
What I don't deal with well, is the stories I make up in my head about WHY I got a no. The stronger the preference I have for a yes, the wilder my fantasies about the reasons for the "no."
I sometimes don't make requests because I am thinking ahead to the really awful reasons someone might have to say no. Some really good reason like "Who would ever want to do anything with a [fill in worst nightmare impression of self] like you!" As I typed that sentence I realized that it is more or less the kind of response that would spew forth from someone between the ages of 10 and 15. And the fear of that kind of response was born in the same time frame. Time to give that one up. Forty years later, it isn't serving me. :)
I challenge us all to really be clear in our requests, honest in our answers and compassionate with ourselves.
Love,
Love and Light
PS. I decided to use this picture because the area of my life where my reluctance to practice the whole of this principle is primarily physical/sexual.
P.PS. I keep thinking I want to add a mood thingie to my posts, but with all the moods available, I never find one I like. So, this time my mood is "introspective." And yes, it is a mood. :)
This is far easier said than done and I've been teaching/preaching it for seven years. I'm masterful at hearing "No." I'm getting much better at asking for *anything*! Now I have to work on the explorations aspect.
When I get a "no" to a request, I should be asking why in some form or another. If I am left to my own devices, I will invent a reason -- and it will be oh so reasonable -- that will probably (track record) be way, way off the mark. The "no" might never be a "yes" and that is okay. I don't make requests unless I have a preferred answer, but I want anyone I ask for anything to feel that a "no" will be heard and respected. I can deal with disappointment. :)
What I don't deal with well, is the stories I make up in my head about WHY I got a no. The stronger the preference I have for a yes, the wilder my fantasies about the reasons for the "no."
I sometimes don't make requests because I am thinking ahead to the really awful reasons someone might have to say no. Some really good reason like "Who would ever want to do anything with a [fill in worst nightmare impression of self] like you!" As I typed that sentence I realized that it is more or less the kind of response that would spew forth from someone between the ages of 10 and 15. And the fear of that kind of response was born in the same time frame. Time to give that one up. Forty years later, it isn't serving me. :)
I challenge us all to really be clear in our requests, honest in our answers and compassionate with ourselves.
Love,
Love and Light
PS. I decided to use this picture because the area of my life where my reluctance to practice the whole of this principle is primarily physical/sexual.
P.PS. I keep thinking I want to add a mood thingie to my posts, but with all the moods available, I never find one I like. So, this time my mood is "introspective." And yes, it is a mood. :)
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