A common thread

[outlier_lynn]

I have read in several journals that people are a bit down because folks are forgetting them or not inviting them to events or in some other way ignoring them. I have had little to say in response to these posts because I haven't felt this way in many years. I just couldn't quite relate. What I might have had to say would almost certainly miss the mark.


I have figured out something generic to say on the matter about my end of ignoring people.

I think about many people several times a day. Half of the Crazed Imaginations cast, my daughter, my wonderful friends/sweeties in the Human Awareness Institute, my lj friends, both my ex-spouses, my intentional family and my family of origin.

I don't contact them.

Contact usually happens if they contact me, we are at the same place at the same time, or I have something specific to say to them or ask of them.

Partly, this seems to be US, male, cultural behavior to some degree. It is completely the behavior of the adult role models in my childhood. But mostly it is because I don't want to intrude on people.

How's that for an idiotic notion. I'm thinking that if I call someone on the phone or start an AIM chat with someone, I will be inflicting my worthless self into their world and taking up their valuable time.

I know that story is completely bogus, but I have some bad habits not yet dealt with.

I can't be the only one in this boat. I bet other folks aren't calling, visiting, inviting because they don't want to intrude, or they have concluded their interaction is unwanted or some other unexamined reason.

Here's an example from recent life. My friend Kevin has invited to people out to have fun, spend time together and generally cheer each other up. What did I do? I felt bad for the despair my other friends were in. I didn't even entertain the notion that I might spend time cheering my other friends up.

The thing for me to remember is that asking isn't intrusion! That way the other person gets to say yes, no or maybe. But at least they will KNOW I haven't forgotten they exists.

Yeah to Kevin for reminding me to get the hell out of my own head and talk to people!

Comments

[veggiebelle.livejournal.com]

...I will be inflicting my worthless self into their world and taking up their valuable time.

I couldn't have said it better. I'm exactly like that myself.

[elvengrrl.livejournal.com]

same here, though it was worse in high school. i wouldn't join in conversations for fear that i would intrude/annoy/bother.

i guess i'm still like that.

[ceph.livejournal.com]

*nods* I keep looking at how few "comments posted" I have compared to my "comments received", but it never seems to me that the support I could give would be helpful or the opinions useful. I think today's resolution should be "just because someone else might be able to do it better, doesn't mean you shouldn't do it too."

[quoting-mungo.livejournal.com]

I see where you're coming from, there, yes. There are few people I will strike up conversations with, or contact on AIM, because most of them probably have other, better things to do.
Perhaps because of that, it frustrates me to no end to be at the other end. I work up the nerve to call people, and they can't, for some reason, hang out. Promise to call back. But do they call back? Nope. That's where I gave up on a few friendships. I don't want to lug them around when the other party makes no effort to help.


-Alexandra