curmudgeon? Me?

[outlier_lynn]

Yeah. Maybe.

It is where I go when I become cynical and resigned. I think I've been sliding down that pole for awhile again.

I was thinking this morning about the nature of conversations. There are a few standard ones in every culture, subculture, group and family. They are the conversations that are predictable and descriptive. Everyone can recite them. After awhile, I start believing that there are no other conversations to be had. That everyone else is living in those standard conversations.

I start making it mean that no one understands me or is like me. That my stand for love and compassion in the world is a losing game. I am not a martyr and I don't want to play one on TV.

The standard conversations? They define such things as love, sex, sexuality, work, entertainment, friendships, success and failure.

I am not aligned with any of the standard conversations. Problem is, I'm not hearing substitute conversations. I know they are happening all around me, but I have lost my listening for them.

Thanks, Scix. I have found a new root cynical conversation. I just wish they wouldn't come to visit so damn often. :)

Comments

[scixual.livejournal.com]

*chuckle*

conversations

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

when i find myself sliding into resignation (good one to contemplate these days, since i've been on a nasty little slide for the last few days), there is usually (aside from the biochemical disorder my neurotransmitters get into) a mismatch of expectations with perceived reality.

don't know whether that might not be the case with you as well. your "stand for love and compassion in the world" -- what do you expect from it? what do you want it to do?

i feel most of the time that very few people understand me, and i don't think anyone is like me at all -- certainly not 100%. even people with whom i share political views; we differ in thousands of details. that doesn't bother me most of the time; heck, i think i even like it to some degree. it's hard to even assess whether there is understanding because, well, i can't read minds (and if i could, i'd probably misread them half the time anyway). i do get down on myself when i feel like i am doing my damndest to get my personal outlook across, but nobody around me understands.

usenet has been very good for keeping such down periods to a minimum, because somewhere out there is always somebody who hears something in what i am saying. not always what i would have thought there is to hear, but that, too, makes sense -- different backgrounds and attitudes attune people to different thoughts.

which means i hear lots of different conversations out there, standard or not. i am pretty disdainful of the standards i feel are there, but i've been trying not to focus on that because it's a) depressing and b) likely unfair to other people. i look at my own thoughts from the inside; they're complex -- but i don't look at something that feels standard to me the same way, and who knows what i am actually missing. i don't really want to get closer to it, but i want to let go of the disdain.

even outside of standards, as far as they exist, they're not always the conversations i want to hear, but they're there. i do best if i don't expect anything in specific from them, other than giving me thinking or talking points.

what do you expect to hear? what do you want to hear?

Re: conversations

[crazed-lynn.livejournal.com]

I am completely sure that I have expectations that aren't being met. One of the thoughts coming to visit pretty often these days is NOT inside love and compassion. It is an unspoken "Just get over yourself, stop whining and take action." It shows up when someone is telling me the same whiny story for the hundredth time about how their lives just suck and there is no way it will ever change. Then they expect a hug and a pat on the head like a toddler with a skinned knee.

My reactions to such situations is heating up. I am not standing unaffected in the face of their suffering and I am sick of dealing with it. In many cases, I can walk away. In a few cases, that would be difficult. In fewer cases, that would negate everything I've been about for the last few years.

The worst part is, I'm not doing what I know needs to be done to bring it to an end. I'm not saying something as simple as "Deal with your circumstances or don't deal with them, but leave me out of it. I don't want to hear the story again." I am allowing myself to feel put upon.

Hmm. Last time I felt like this was in my first marriage. I should learn from that. :)

I had two great conversations today about this subject. Unrelated. I have a handle on what's going on and will have the needed conversations within the next few days. Interesting thing about the second conversation -- she was having the same feelings and had a breakthrough about the same time I was in the first conversation. Odd coincidence there!

I know one of the conversations that I've stopped listening for is about physical intimacy -- puppy piles and such. Somehow I've relegated them to the realm of impossible again. And that winds me around the axle every time. I have skin hunger. It has me feeling really needy and that is causing me to withdraw and get quiet. It isn't the way to cure skin hunger!

It's another set of conversations I have to set loose in the world.

Love,
Lynn

[veggiebelle.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean about the "standard conversations" that seem to dominate all communication. When I step back from them, or listen to the conversations around me, many of them sound superfluous, or too far removed, or sometimes even empty. It is sometimes hard for me to communicate and join in these conversations anymore. Not that I look down on it or disapprove or anything... I often wish that I could participate in the "standard conversations." But, I've been told that I think too much. :)

[crazed-lynn.livejournal.com]

I participate in the standard conversations, but as a voice for diversity. I don't want communities to think there is only one way to define religion, politics, sex, community, marriage, family, economics and any of a hundred other topics.

As an example, during the last year, anyone who has spoken out against the current American response to the entire rest of the world is quickly silenced. Conversations about Polyamory get shouted down in the one-true-wayism of monogamy. The list is endless.

Cultural meaning is assigned to almost all aspects of our daily lives. Woe be it for the person who doesn't fit the mold.

There are plenty of conversations giving alternatives a voice, but one has to track them down. Lately, it has all felt a bit too lonely and disconnected. A bit of "I can't get what I want in life" resignation has crept into my life. Thank the goddess I noticed before I became whiny!

I still want to recruit other voices to speak of alternative ways of being in the world. And I still want to recruit people for my extended family. And I am still interested in puppy piles and Friends with Benefits.

There is a standard conversation about sex and sexuality that drives me completely to distraction. It's the conversation that assigns True Love or some other universal and significant meaning to sex. And it defines "sex" pretty damn narrowly, too. My associating sexual activity with signs of affection rather than signs of True Love and Eternal Happiness is not well received. It leaves me feeling lonely--separate and touch deprived. A bit of a vicious circle starts then. I start feeling needy and I start worrying that I'll step on someone's boundaries. I get really, really careful, quiet and withdrawn. Sure way to get more touch, eh. sigh.

I have often thought I could -- and tried for years and years -- to fit the standard definitions for everything the culture suggests is the right and proper way if I just worked at it more as if there was something wrong with me rather than something narrow about the cultural acceptances. I don't think I could have been more miserable.

Adding depth and breadth to the meanings cultural habit and laziness gives to everyday life provides the icing for the cake, the Baileys in the coffee and the warmth between friends. Why settle for ordinary when extraordinary is just as easily available? I don't think it is possible to inquire into these conversations "too much."

It is possible to justify inaction by "pondering the pros and cons," but I don't think that is what you were being told. :)

Being shallow in an attempt to be safe and secure robs us of our lives. And in the end, we die. What the hell is secure about that! Safe, finally, I guess. But not secure. :)

Love,
Lynn