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We had a great show last night. Friday the 13th, Lingerie Night. Lots of energy among the cast and audience. It was good. It was fun. I really like being in cast! And I have a new crush! Yeah!
Last night, I noticed that I was looking at several cast members with some seriously strong desire. And though there are many who I put near the top in overall sex appeal, my sex drive is somewhere near zero. It didn't make sense.
On the drive home (a great time to reflect), I figured out that I am well below my touch quota. I'm forgetting (again) the middle ground between no touch at all and full on all day sex 'til you drop.
Somewhere in the middle, there's sexual, sensual cuddling and intimate touch play that isn't intended to climb the ladder of lust. I want the touch that to me is a high order sign of affection and acceptance. I know I am loved, but I am longing for affectionate touch. But as my need for affection grows, I forget that I am looking for affection and start calling it something else.
Intimate play does not mean that I will have to go where I don't want to go. I don't have to be sexually hungry -- I don't have to fake being horny. I find great pleasure and satisfaction in giving pleasure with my hands and mouth, so a cuddle partner who wants more will find me willing to provide. Doesn't mean that I'm required to match lust for lust.
I'm stuck in a loop, though. I have this really stupid belief that if I'm not willing to ride to the end of the line, I shouldn't get on the train at all. That is one reason I am poly and why I like group sexual encounters best. In groups, it is possible for everyone to find the level of participation that works for them.
One on one with Lynn is likely not to go that way. My sexual expression overlaps common sexual expression with a few looming exceptions. I have sufficient evidence to know that I am a very good, attentive lover for those behaviors that I engage in, but I don't fuck. My dick is mostly not involved in my sex life even in my lustiest moments. Not even when I was a teen/young adult.
Women who are interested in being sexual with men usually want their dicks involved. Must men who are interested in being sexual with men usually want both dicks involved. I am primarily sexual with my mouth and hands. That goes a long way, but it falls short of most people's desire or expectations, at least over time. And I am not interested in having a series of one time encounters -- they don't feed my desire for community, family, affection or acceptance.
That leaves me wanting to be naked and cuddly with people but not wanting them to be left feeling like they have been cheated. Starting a cuddle with clear, spoken expectations isn't the answer, either. In my limited experience, when adults get turned on they want what they want and damn the earlier assurances.
My complete lack of interest in fucking anyone often ends up being taken personally by the other person. In case after case, the cuddle partner has wondered what they were doing wrong! That is not the reaction I want. In that reaction there is NO affection. It was affection from the cuddle partner I wanted and that gets thrown out with the new unmet expectation.
I just noticed that I have a really big charge on this. I am having a strong emotional reaction to that last paragraph.
I shoulda been a girl. Sigh.
It was a great Friday Night At Rocky Horror Picture Show. Next week: Rocky Horror Nightmare Before Christmas.
Last night, I noticed that I was looking at several cast members with some seriously strong desire. And though there are many who I put near the top in overall sex appeal, my sex drive is somewhere near zero. It didn't make sense.
On the drive home (a great time to reflect), I figured out that I am well below my touch quota. I'm forgetting (again) the middle ground between no touch at all and full on all day sex 'til you drop.
Somewhere in the middle, there's sexual, sensual cuddling and intimate touch play that isn't intended to climb the ladder of lust. I want the touch that to me is a high order sign of affection and acceptance. I know I am loved, but I am longing for affectionate touch. But as my need for affection grows, I forget that I am looking for affection and start calling it something else.
Intimate play does not mean that I will have to go where I don't want to go. I don't have to be sexually hungry -- I don't have to fake being horny. I find great pleasure and satisfaction in giving pleasure with my hands and mouth, so a cuddle partner who wants more will find me willing to provide. Doesn't mean that I'm required to match lust for lust.
I'm stuck in a loop, though. I have this really stupid belief that if I'm not willing to ride to the end of the line, I shouldn't get on the train at all. That is one reason I am poly and why I like group sexual encounters best. In groups, it is possible for everyone to find the level of participation that works for them.
One on one with Lynn is likely not to go that way. My sexual expression overlaps common sexual expression with a few looming exceptions. I have sufficient evidence to know that I am a very good, attentive lover for those behaviors that I engage in, but I don't fuck. My dick is mostly not involved in my sex life even in my lustiest moments. Not even when I was a teen/young adult.
Women who are interested in being sexual with men usually want their dicks involved. Must men who are interested in being sexual with men usually want both dicks involved. I am primarily sexual with my mouth and hands. That goes a long way, but it falls short of most people's desire or expectations, at least over time. And I am not interested in having a series of one time encounters -- they don't feed my desire for community, family, affection or acceptance.
That leaves me wanting to be naked and cuddly with people but not wanting them to be left feeling like they have been cheated. Starting a cuddle with clear, spoken expectations isn't the answer, either. In my limited experience, when adults get turned on they want what they want and damn the earlier assurances.
My complete lack of interest in fucking anyone often ends up being taken personally by the other person. In case after case, the cuddle partner has wondered what they were doing wrong! That is not the reaction I want. In that reaction there is NO affection. It was affection from the cuddle partner I wanted and that gets thrown out with the new unmet expectation.
I just noticed that I have a really big charge on this. I am having a strong emotional reaction to that last paragraph.
I shoulda been a girl. Sigh.
It was a great Friday Night At Rocky Horror Picture Show. Next week: Rocky Horror Nightmare Before Christmas.
Ugol's Law