sigh

[outlier_lynn]

Edit to add this disclaimer: "Someone" is a generic that is not meant to refer to any person I know.

I wanna be cuddled up with someone. I want to be looking into someone eyes and singing about love. I want to melt into someone and want them to melt back. Just a puddle of love in which it is not possible to tell where I end and they start.

Just holding each other. Being still. Listening to music. And leaving all the cares of the day behind. Nothing matters buy feeling the pulse and listening to the steady breathing of someone who only wants to feel my pulse and listen to my breathing.

I remember my very first summer almost romance. We lived too far apart to see each other much. But we tied up the phone line. Not talking much. But listening to each other breathe. I miss that feeling. A lot.

There were other aborted or stunted romances where play was the shared pleasure. Going to the lake or holding hands in a movie. Swimming in the ocean. Hiking in the Sierras. Even camping. I miss those days. But it's not the same.

It's not the same as the feeling of puppy love. That's what those early romances were. We didn't know each other. We had no idea what it takes to create a relationship. And I, at least, had no idea that there was something beside holding hands, gazing into someone's eyes and sighing a lot. :)

I want that back. I wanna be 10 again, I guess. :)

Comments

Re: sigh

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

i don't want to trivialize it, but this sort of stuff i get from animals, not from humans -- and i guess i personally don't really want it from humans because it's simply got too many strings and considerations attached; it becomes too complicated very quickly. and humans are better for intellectual stimulation IMO than they are for cuddles and the pure experience of being with another creature. the timing is almost always wrong with the sorts of humans with whom i tend to associate.

but right now i have a purring little bundle of cat in my left armpit whose personal god i am (to the point that any cat has a god, *heh*). she's grown from a shy and feral kitten into an adolescent cat who trusts me pretty well now, and who loves to curl up with me and just be. and she touches my heart, just being who she is. i love to listen to her purr, to feel her breathe, and there's nothing quite like her reaching out a paw; claws carefully withdrawn, to touch my cheek.

i don't think i ever experience unconditional love with any humans, not even my partners, and i don't know that i want to -- that unconditional stuff among humans makes me nervous. but with animals, it's right there. you do have to earn it originally, but it doesn't take much; certainly no jumping through immense hoops. and you'll never get shunted aside for a newer model, for different ideas. the only bad part is that they die too damn soon.

i know; if that were your solution, you'd probably already found it. *sigh*. i am sorry it doesn't work that way for you. it's such a source of quiet joy for me to have these little critters around, give them some food, some shelter, and some protection, and get this particular gift in return.

Re: sigh

[crazed-lynn.livejournal.com]

I can get it from a kitten or a puppy. And I can almost get what I need from a grown dog. But not quite.

I saw your other post about this kitty of yours. It's really cool to have a feral animal decide you are trustworthy. Human's have a much harder time with trust.

Re: sigh

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

yeah, that's why i said i didn't want to trivialize it. some people would consider it an insult that i am talking about companion animals when they're looking for love. :)

i just think that animals are better for some kinds of love. but i also know that those who want that kind of love from humans can't stop hoping for it, and settling for an animal. that's kind of an interesting thing i've never thought about before in detail -- why some people can get this from animals and for others that just isn't enough.

for me animals (well, the sort of mammals i'm talking about, and maybe some parrots and dolphins) have a form of love that's much simpler and purer than anything humans can give (once they're past the age of 5, or so). i know there are people who would argue it's not love, but while i am not into anthropomorphizing animals, it does feel like love to me. cal isn't just lying on my arm because it's warm -- there are plenty of warm places in the house, and they don't move around when one has just settled in. :)

i don't know that humans stop loving that way. i don't think so -- i certainly feel this straightforward and simple kind of love for others, in moments. i think it's more that it no longer is simple once one grows into actually understanding human interactions, and it becomes difficult to express unless one is very clear on how it's going to be taken -- and sometimes just thinking about all of that makes that moment slip away. animals stay much more in that moment and don't think much about the past or future.

Re: sigh

[crazed-lynn.livejournal.com]

I don't think people stop loving in that simple way, but they do seem to supress it like crazy.

I call what animals do "love." We aren't all that special that we have some emotion that other animals don't have. Most animals don't create wild meanings about love. :)

[firecat]

I like your vision.

And I also understand what pleonastic is saying about finding quiet companionable love more easily with animals. I can find it more reliably with animals.

I can find it with humans too, but for me it works best with humans I know at least somewhat (which is why the HAI model doesn't appeal to me) and it works best when I consider it a temporary state of mind to visit rather than something I am trying to create every moment.