outlier_lynn (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
outlier_lynn) wrote2004-10-17 08:39 am
outlier_lynn) wrote2004-10-17 08:39 am
It's a good thing
that I have HAI training. I get a little frustrated with the Human Awareness Institute mostly because it operates in areas I have few skills. It's not a thinking game. :)
I love to analyze my life. Take it apart and put it back together. I like to look at how I arrived at some conclusion so that I can test it against some rational measure and against my personal philosophy.
But none of that will make the slightest difference to the way I feel about life. I can turn it into an intellectual exercise so quickly it make my head spin. :)
And that's where HAI comes into it.
I can actually experience a moment. I can feel the effects of my intellectual pursuit.
This is where I get the ability to feel the warm moments of my life. Otherwise, love is just a good idea and everyone should have some. :)
And it is how I can experience myself as whole. It is how I can be good enough and smart enough and competent. The actual experience of it rather than a verbal affirmation (which I only half believe at any time).
I denied, for most of my life, that the experience of something is where I have the reality of it. I no longer deny that.
It has a drawback, though. It is a challenge for me to accept something intellectually if I cannot have an experience of it. This is why I love hugs and non-erotic signs of affection. They are, for me, the experience of love.
The good news is that over the last few years, I've opened the iris on that light. I have many more ways in which the experience of love is available for me. I still like physical signs of affection best. :)
This morning has been a good one. The experience of love with Scix, Eric, Steph and Chris. It's a warm and soft moment.
Love.
I love to analyze my life. Take it apart and put it back together. I like to look at how I arrived at some conclusion so that I can test it against some rational measure and against my personal philosophy.
But none of that will make the slightest difference to the way I feel about life. I can turn it into an intellectual exercise so quickly it make my head spin. :)
And that's where HAI comes into it.
I can actually experience a moment. I can feel the effects of my intellectual pursuit.
This is where I get the ability to feel the warm moments of my life. Otherwise, love is just a good idea and everyone should have some. :)
And it is how I can experience myself as whole. It is how I can be good enough and smart enough and competent. The actual experience of it rather than a verbal affirmation (which I only half believe at any time).
I denied, for most of my life, that the experience of something is where I have the reality of it. I no longer deny that.
It has a drawback, though. It is a challenge for me to accept something intellectually if I cannot have an experience of it. This is why I love hugs and non-erotic signs of affection. They are, for me, the experience of love.
The good news is that over the last few years, I've opened the iris on that light. I have many more ways in which the experience of love is available for me. I still like physical signs of affection best. :)
This morning has been a good one. The experience of love with Scix, Eric, Steph and Chris. It's a warm and soft moment.
Love.
Blessings!
_Greg