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Briefly, in the late sixties, I wanted to be a Vulcan. It was a brief pause in my decade old desire to be a robot. :) I wanted to be a robot to short circuit my disappointment with the body I had/have. I wanted to be a Vulcan for a different reason. A reason that was much more compelling at the time.
Yes. Mr. Spock could withstand a lot of physical pain and injury without much effect. That was good. And he healed pretty fast. That was really good.
But mostly Mr. Spock didn't have to deal with emotions. There I was a late teen caught between to conflicting emotional states. On the one hand, I wanted to feel like I belonged. I wanted to feel loving of and loved by one and by many. I wanted that desperately. (Silly me, it was all around me. :)
But I was also terrified of one and all. I felt like I was in a constant battle for my very survival -- emotionally and physically.
Living a life that did not contain emotions seemed like a really good goal. So I worked at it. The sad news is, though, that what was really going on was that I was giving in to the paranoia and rather than being emotionally neutral, I was sliding into the darks side. Mistrust and anger everywhere.
Why am I typing all that?
Today, as I was doing chores, I was thinking about my life as it is today. My relationships with people -- almost all of which are lopsided to varying degree. And it struck me that I'm not in the business of trying to alter my emotional reality anymore.
More than that, I'm enjoying the emotional self. I never thought I'd believe it possible. Even when it's depressing and the dark side gets control for a bit. Even when it looks like a good idea to get myself "under control." I really have no desire to get my emotions under control. More than that, actually.
I am resisting emotional control. What I do with and about my emotional reactions is another story. There I will have control. I will let my intellect have the last word on what I do.
But I am going to enjoy the emotions. All of them.
And this is a giant victory over a life-long attempt to control the emotions themselves. It doesn't work and it annoys the pig. (Me? Pluck bits of metaphor from the ether and use them out of context? Me?)
Life is really good. It's soooo... ALIVE.
On the other hand, I still dislike my body. :)
Yes. Mr. Spock could withstand a lot of physical pain and injury without much effect. That was good. And he healed pretty fast. That was really good.
But mostly Mr. Spock didn't have to deal with emotions. There I was a late teen caught between to conflicting emotional states. On the one hand, I wanted to feel like I belonged. I wanted to feel loving of and loved by one and by many. I wanted that desperately. (Silly me, it was all around me. :)
But I was also terrified of one and all. I felt like I was in a constant battle for my very survival -- emotionally and physically.
Living a life that did not contain emotions seemed like a really good goal. So I worked at it. The sad news is, though, that what was really going on was that I was giving in to the paranoia and rather than being emotionally neutral, I was sliding into the darks side. Mistrust and anger everywhere.
Why am I typing all that?
Today, as I was doing chores, I was thinking about my life as it is today. My relationships with people -- almost all of which are lopsided to varying degree. And it struck me that I'm not in the business of trying to alter my emotional reality anymore.
More than that, I'm enjoying the emotional self. I never thought I'd believe it possible. Even when it's depressing and the dark side gets control for a bit. Even when it looks like a good idea to get myself "under control." I really have no desire to get my emotions under control. More than that, actually.
I am resisting emotional control. What I do with and about my emotional reactions is another story. There I will have control. I will let my intellect have the last word on what I do.
But I am going to enjoy the emotions. All of them.
And this is a giant victory over a life-long attempt to control the emotions themselves. It doesn't work and it annoys the pig. (Me? Pluck bits of metaphor from the ether and use them out of context? Me?)
Life is really good. It's soooo... ALIVE.
On the other hand, I still dislike my body. :)