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I have a job in the morning and I'm tired now. So, I think bed.
When I was modeling today, a strange and unusual thought came into my head. It was about the same time as the total eclipse of the sun... No. Wait...
Anyway, I had a thought. The reason I like modeling is that for the period of time I'm in pose, I am winning. My body loses out. I shut out the pain, go into a trance-like state and hold the pose. I rarely fail and I take on hard poses. It's partly why the artists like me.
So. Today. The sinus headache never really went away. I can breathe pretty well, but congestion is just holding at the edge of causing problems. The chest muscles involved in coughing hurt like hell. My left knee is tender -- has been for months -- but I can live with it. My right knee, though, has a stabbing pain front top. I can make the pain go away if I apply enough pressure. My left eye muscles continue to hurt -- a throbbing pain that is in time with my pulse which is beating loudly in my right ear. My right rhomboids are tight and knotted and nothing I do is releasing them.
Earlier this evening, while we were watching T-2, Eric said, "I haven't cried sober in a long time." (or something like that.) It must even out, then. I can't remember the last time a day went by during which I didn't cry at least once. And today isn't going to break the streak.
And, oddly enough, I love my life. My wildest dreams about friends are exceeded by many of the people in my life. My wildest fantasies about love are exceeded by the love I feel for a number of people. In many ways my life exceeds by a large margin any hope or dream I ever had about my future. And yet ....
And yet ....
I'm going to bed and cry.
Love.
When I was modeling today, a strange and unusual thought came into my head. It was about the same time as the total eclipse of the sun... No. Wait...
Anyway, I had a thought. The reason I like modeling is that for the period of time I'm in pose, I am winning. My body loses out. I shut out the pain, go into a trance-like state and hold the pose. I rarely fail and I take on hard poses. It's partly why the artists like me.
So. Today. The sinus headache never really went away. I can breathe pretty well, but congestion is just holding at the edge of causing problems. The chest muscles involved in coughing hurt like hell. My left knee is tender -- has been for months -- but I can live with it. My right knee, though, has a stabbing pain front top. I can make the pain go away if I apply enough pressure. My left eye muscles continue to hurt -- a throbbing pain that is in time with my pulse which is beating loudly in my right ear. My right rhomboids are tight and knotted and nothing I do is releasing them.
Earlier this evening, while we were watching T-2, Eric said, "I haven't cried sober in a long time." (or something like that.) It must even out, then. I can't remember the last time a day went by during which I didn't cry at least once. And today isn't going to break the streak.
And, oddly enough, I love my life. My wildest dreams about friends are exceeded by many of the people in my life. My wildest fantasies about love are exceeded by the love I feel for a number of people. In many ways my life exceeds by a large margin any hope or dream I ever had about my future. And yet ....
And yet ....
I'm going to bed and cry.
Love.