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Phfffft.
Everyone is entitled to their upsets. There is no requirement to match upset with upset like a Drama Queen Arms Race (DQAR).
That is one of the principle planks in my personal philosophy. The shortened form is Quit Taking It Personally (QTIP). Someone can rail against me, call me names, sometimes strike old wounds and in other ways unleash their anger at me. That doesn't mean I have to respond with anger.
Still, I sometimes do. But I tend to notice the Drama Queen Arms Race at the first round and nip it quickly. And I have a family that will point out when the DQAR has started. Mutually assured distrcution is a complete failure at the level of personal interactions!
Everyone is entitled to their upsets. There is no requirement to match upset with upset like a Drama Queen Arms Race (DQAR).
That is one of the principle planks in my personal philosophy. The shortened form is Quit Taking It Personally (QTIP). Someone can rail against me, call me names, sometimes strike old wounds and in other ways unleash their anger at me. That doesn't mean I have to respond with anger.
Still, I sometimes do. But I tend to notice the Drama Queen Arms Race at the first round and nip it quickly. And I have a family that will point out when the DQAR has started. Mutually assured distrcution is a complete failure at the level of personal interactions!
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What do you think the primary reason for a case of Dramatis Personae is, most often? (I mean in general, not in specific to any one case) It struck me just recently - and this is a new idea so take it with salt - that a lot of it would be in image: in setting or reinforcing an image that they want others to perceive them as. Oh, that's taking the whole attention thing as a given, and possibly the primary reason for Melodrama.
A wise woman imparted this to me recently, also, and I think it relates: "It's only drama if strong emotion is unjustified." I might amend that to Melodrama, but I'm putting the quote in my inner toolbox - it'll help me with the whole flow-through thing: stay centered and let the aggravation/manipulation/negativity/insert-lable-here flow through me; it's a lot like severe pain, if you've ever been in that situation - if you get involved with it, by tensing or trying to be tough and stand up to it, you'll get pulled along for the ride (in the case of extreme physical pain, that's exceptionally bad).
Hmmm... I think you need a title.
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one. When we are young, something happens that we didn't expect, we think is bad and we don't want to have happen again. So, we present ourselves to the world to minimize the chances of having that something happen again. But we aren't good at cause and effect. So we add layer after layer to protection. Then in our teen years, we hear "no" at all the wrong times. We decide it means something bad about us so we add more layers. We are trying to create a loveable exterior while all the time deciding that our interior is worthless. We create the Looking Good Game.
two. No with the Looking Good Game in full force, any pissiness directed at us feels like an attack against the personae we have developed. And we KNOW it is a fake to begin with. It must be protected at all costs so we drop bombs back.
There is no drama in emotion. We can be sad or happy or anyother emotion without drama. The Drama Queen Arms Race only comes when we make our emotion mean something. I also think that many things we call emotions aren't. Anger, for instance. Anger is a response to some perceived slight or hurt. It doesn't exist without context. On the other hand, sad and happy do exist without context.
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As kids we are taught to not be obsessively self-centered. But adults try to teach us that lesson when we are the most self-centered. So we make up a story that has this title: Everything Is About Me. And we know that story is absolutely true.
So later, the decision made by this three- or four-year-old runs our lives. Someone stops talking to us and we question ourselves and get mad at them. Add your own examples here.
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a) Outbursts are almost always the sign of legitimate (not contrived) upset and should be taken seriously as a sign of distress and any non-abusive behaviour should be met with compassion and a grain of salt until the DQ is feeling comfortable enough to address the issues.
b) Everyone has the right to have outbursts as long as they choose a safe and appropriate place to have them.
c) The appropriate response to a DQ outburst depends on your state.
You should either :
- establish space and keep distance
- acknowledge and wait for the initial outburst to fade
You should never :
- escalate by feeding the outburst
- respond with an outburst
- argue with or attempt to invalidate an outburst in progress
- take the outburst beyond the containment field into public view (this is a huge no-no)
d) An outburst handled appropriately almost always has a positive conclusion. The more often an outburst is handled well and resolved, the fewer the outbursts become. Outbursts are not negative in and of themselves.
e) Remember that it's not about you, even if it is about you. In other words, QTIP, and LISTEN/WAIT for the real message in the noise.
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Re:
I learned to cope with outbursts really quickly when I had a 2 year old telling me she hated me and I was the worst mommy in the world and she wished I was dead. ;) I think we all need to let it go sometimes because otherwise it festers and there's no other way to get it out. It can be a blessing when there's someone there to listen and to pick up on what's going on so that you can look at it and talk about it later.
Re:
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Its done for christs sake..lets move the fuck on with our lives and
LET IT GO
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