![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
My knee is tender this morning. Judging by the location of the pain (it's clearly defined), I've pulled a ligament away from the bone or torn it. It makes the knee less than stable, so I have a few other issues with it. This has to heal soon. I'll not be able to play anything but Dr. Scott. :)
Yesterday was an interesting day. My overall feeling is of great joy, but there were times when I would like to have taken a clue by four to some people.
I'm having a powerful urge to dump the transformational stuff and revert to some earlier incarnation of Lynn. It feels easier. When I look at it, though, it's not about ease. Nope. It's nothing that simple. It's sinister, in fact.
As transparent as I try to be -- long to be -- there are times when I want to be covert. Times when I want something I can't have and larceny fills my heart. I want to take what I want and damn the consequences.
This is one of those times. I'm looking again at what I really want in my life. What I really want in my friendships and family. And I'm living in the illusion that it is not possible for me to have it.
Normally, that's okay. Why? Well the things I want are so far from "normal" that I seldom get reminded of them. I simply suppress my perfect future as impossible. My perfect future is a pipe dream. Human beings aren't what I would like them to be.
Lately, though, I've been reminded. Reminders that come often enough that I'm not able to just pass off my wants as impossible dreams. And that is frustrating. Now I'm the kid with his nose to the candy shop window. Not a dime in my pocket in a world in which currency is everything.
Some recent reminders:
1. Stroking Michelle while she fed her newborn.
2. A wonderful afternoon with Donna and Dan talking about love, spirituality, intimacy, belonging and community.
3. Contributing to a sweetie who is learning to be contributed to.
4. Hugging LBJ at rehearsal.
5. Hugging Eric.
6. Long, deeply personal talks with two different sweeties.
7. Tamra cuddled up against me at rehearsal.
8. Hugging Tom and calling him a sweetie.
9. Hearing from Bonnie that she misses me and thinks of me often.
10. Getting calls from my daughter at random times for random reasons or no reasons at all.
You might read those and wonder what the hell I'm complaining about. Well, I'm greedy. :)
Perhaps it could even slide into the "needy" category. As if there is a whole in my heart, dear Liza, dear Liza. And I can't fetch enough Love to me to fill myself up. That could be. It's a little pathetic, isn't it.
There is one thing I miss, right now, more than all other things in my life. Snuggling up with (the right) people in a cuddle pit. With or without clothes. Just to feel the warmth of them against my body. To stroke hair and massage feet or hands.
There are two ways to have such a cuddle pile -- with and without erotic/sexual energy. If I wanted a pile with erotic energy, I could have it on short notice. I know plenty of willing people all up and down the state (and a few other countries).
But, that's not the one I want. I could create a non-sex pile with enough planning. Hell, I know a dozen folks who would gladly jump into such a pile with me and with each other. A couple of them are even in San Diego.
The problem with it is this. I don't want to think of it as an event. I don't really want a set of intentional gatherings as if refill our emotional fuel cells on some regular basis. I don't want something that out of the ordinary in people's lives.
I want that way of relating all the damn time, spontaneously forming and reforming and dividing and recombining.
I cling to the belief that, as primates, we are biologically called to live like that. To groom each other, play and fight and make up and cuddle. Yes, we are also highly sexual, but sex isn't the only reason to touch. It's a good reason, but it's not the only reason.
Love, affection, peace of mind, feelings of belonging, love, islands of tenderness in a brutal world, intimacy (non-sexual meaning), love, friendship.
And Love.
Yesterday was an interesting day. My overall feeling is of great joy, but there were times when I would like to have taken a clue by four to some people.
I'm having a powerful urge to dump the transformational stuff and revert to some earlier incarnation of Lynn. It feels easier. When I look at it, though, it's not about ease. Nope. It's nothing that simple. It's sinister, in fact.
As transparent as I try to be -- long to be -- there are times when I want to be covert. Times when I want something I can't have and larceny fills my heart. I want to take what I want and damn the consequences.
This is one of those times. I'm looking again at what I really want in my life. What I really want in my friendships and family. And I'm living in the illusion that it is not possible for me to have it.
Normally, that's okay. Why? Well the things I want are so far from "normal" that I seldom get reminded of them. I simply suppress my perfect future as impossible. My perfect future is a pipe dream. Human beings aren't what I would like them to be.
Lately, though, I've been reminded. Reminders that come often enough that I'm not able to just pass off my wants as impossible dreams. And that is frustrating. Now I'm the kid with his nose to the candy shop window. Not a dime in my pocket in a world in which currency is everything.
Some recent reminders:
1. Stroking Michelle while she fed her newborn.
2. A wonderful afternoon with Donna and Dan talking about love, spirituality, intimacy, belonging and community.
3. Contributing to a sweetie who is learning to be contributed to.
4. Hugging LBJ at rehearsal.
5. Hugging Eric.
6. Long, deeply personal talks with two different sweeties.
7. Tamra cuddled up against me at rehearsal.
8. Hugging Tom and calling him a sweetie.
9. Hearing from Bonnie that she misses me and thinks of me often.
10. Getting calls from my daughter at random times for random reasons or no reasons at all.
You might read those and wonder what the hell I'm complaining about. Well, I'm greedy. :)
Perhaps it could even slide into the "needy" category. As if there is a whole in my heart, dear Liza, dear Liza. And I can't fetch enough Love to me to fill myself up. That could be. It's a little pathetic, isn't it.
There is one thing I miss, right now, more than all other things in my life. Snuggling up with (the right) people in a cuddle pit. With or without clothes. Just to feel the warmth of them against my body. To stroke hair and massage feet or hands.
There are two ways to have such a cuddle pile -- with and without erotic/sexual energy. If I wanted a pile with erotic energy, I could have it on short notice. I know plenty of willing people all up and down the state (and a few other countries).
But, that's not the one I want. I could create a non-sex pile with enough planning. Hell, I know a dozen folks who would gladly jump into such a pile with me and with each other. A couple of them are even in San Diego.
The problem with it is this. I don't want to think of it as an event. I don't really want a set of intentional gatherings as if refill our emotional fuel cells on some regular basis. I don't want something that out of the ordinary in people's lives.
I want that way of relating all the damn time, spontaneously forming and reforming and dividing and recombining.
I cling to the belief that, as primates, we are biologically called to live like that. To groom each other, play and fight and make up and cuddle. Yes, we are also highly sexual, but sex isn't the only reason to touch. It's a good reason, but it's not the only reason.
Love, affection, peace of mind, feelings of belonging, love, islands of tenderness in a brutal world, intimacy (non-sexual meaning), love, friendship.
And Love.
no subject
freudian slip? i think so. your heart is indeed whole, my friend. what you need will come to you
no subject