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There was a defining moment for me. Rather an undefining moment. I haven't thought about it as that, but it was the time of awakening and revelation.
Many people, perhaps most, experience such a time. For some it is a sharp shift. It can feel like stepping from one universe to another. For most, though, it isn't as jarring a shift.
For me, it was extraordinary and it was fast. In a period of just a few short months, I left one world behind and took up a life I had never imagined. I believe that Heather is the only aspect of that old life that remains.
It is disconcerting to get present to the sham that had been your life. It was for me. If I wasn't who I was pretending to me, who was I? And what did the people in my life really think of me?
I started to find out and it was not pretty. I wallowed in the muck for awhile. The self loathing that can accompany the thought of wasted years and "declined" opportunities. The daily upsets and fears that I was trying so hard to ignore but that were driving my life into one pothole after another were slowly killing me.
And when it suddenly became apparent that it was all a lie, I was faced with a even more frightening view of life. Make it up on my own? Oh my god. What if I fail.
But the wisdom for this path has been around for thousands of years in many different philosophical and spiritual practices. There is no failure. There is no try. There is only do or do not.
It does not mean anything.
Love.
Many people, perhaps most, experience such a time. For some it is a sharp shift. It can feel like stepping from one universe to another. For most, though, it isn't as jarring a shift.
For me, it was extraordinary and it was fast. In a period of just a few short months, I left one world behind and took up a life I had never imagined. I believe that Heather is the only aspect of that old life that remains.
It is disconcerting to get present to the sham that had been your life. It was for me. If I wasn't who I was pretending to me, who was I? And what did the people in my life really think of me?
I started to find out and it was not pretty. I wallowed in the muck for awhile. The self loathing that can accompany the thought of wasted years and "declined" opportunities. The daily upsets and fears that I was trying so hard to ignore but that were driving my life into one pothole after another were slowly killing me.
And when it suddenly became apparent that it was all a lie, I was faced with a even more frightening view of life. Make it up on my own? Oh my god. What if I fail.
But the wisdom for this path has been around for thousands of years in many different philosophical and spiritual practices. There is no failure. There is no try. There is only do or do not.
It does not mean anything.
Love.
Meaning
When we are first practicing operating outside of who we know ourselves to be, our identity makes lots of noise. The more we attend to that noise the worse it gets. It takes awhile to realize that the contrary is also true: the less we attend to the noise the quieter it gets.
As we get more present out mind gets quieter, everything seems clearer and lighter.
And then I try to reduce it to a formula and I'm right back in the muck! It is a great joke!