More ramblings about lust

[outlier_lynn]

I don't experience lust in the ways most people do, it seems. I've mentioned this before. I am attracted to people who are very lusty, though. Part of that is a more or less common attraction to that which is interestingly different.

But there is another issue. One that actually gets me into trouble from time to time. I like creating lust in others. It's a power game. it is why I am a top even though some parts of me are interested in being a bottom. I don't pull off bottom very well. :)

I am a tease as a top. I like to find out what revs a sex partner and providing that in great quantity. Taking someone to a peak, backing off and bringing it on again. For my partner it is sexual pleasure. For me it is about the power to create sexual pleasure in another.

It is not as easy as it once was, though, to get into that mind set. I've noticed that as I've reworked my basic philosophy, it is every more difficult for me to play with power in that way. My desire to dominate is blunted because I know that some of it wasn't play. Some of it really was a desire to dominate completely. And that part has lost most of its strength.

Even now, I can feel that brand of lust. The desire to dominate. The desire to hear someone whimper their thanks.

Am I justifying fulfilling on my desire to dominate at someone expense or not?

I've said many times in the last few years that consent is no longer enough. I must have informed consent. I have to fully believe that someone wants me to dominate them before I can allow myself into that head space.

It is not that I am dangerous when I top. I'm not. I'm an excellent top, in fact. There is a danger, though. Who will I become If I give in to that power. If I put myself in the head space that allows me to dominate another human being.

Do I lose my transformation? It is not that one way is right and the other is wrong, but I'm very happy with who I am. Will giving in to the dark force drag me to that side and leave me back where I started many years ago?

Is it a chance I can take? Even if it were a chance I could take, how would I fulfill on it now? Club X isn't a way. The only area of my life where I value privacy is in topping. I am not an exhibitionist top. Nor am I interested in dominating exhibitionist bottoms.

The game will be very real while the scene is on. I won't be the loving Lynn playing at being a top. I will be a top. I will be completely a top and a bottom will be completely a bottom. Safe words and such will work, but it won't be playing.

I don't know if I can actually explain it. It is a mind space, though, that quickens my pulse. However, it is not about sex for me.

Sex is a cultural artifact that comes with a lot of cultural luggage. Most people have it as the most intimate thing two people can do with each other. It is ripe for power play. And it is the power that gives me juice. It is submission that fills my world. As a reward for that submission, I will give a bottom the best ride I can in that which fills their world. If that means a sexual orgasm, then that is what they will get. And I'll be happy to provide.

I've written this all out and the answer is clear. I can no longer suppress my desire to dominate. Fuck. Now what?


Yep. The question of the hour is: Now what? I don't know.