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Here's a metaphor for life. It's a potluck. If we want our banquet to have variety, we better invite a lot of people.
I know that it is not possible for me to prepare the entire meal so that everyone in my life is satisfied with life. I don't care how many time I've been told that a man is supposed to be able to do just that.
Society still gives that message to its young men and young women. And some guys try very hard to live up to it and some young women settle for what they are getting while being angry with their guy for failing. Some guys are angry with their gals for failing in their role, too. To bring a RHPS reference in, our culture is not so far from the Brad and Janet relationship at the beginning of the movie.
Just as any movie requires us to suspend our disbelief, so, in fact, does life by the default relationship models. We have coworkers, family, friends, sweeties and, maybe, children in our lives. How we are with them follows the roles we were taught or reacts against them. Either way, most of us are playing out the same game humans have been playing for a thousand years. Precious few escape this in any meaningful way.
I haven't escaped it at all. If I'm not paying attention, I'm become dad in Father Knows Best. Sometimes I'm the mom in Leave it to Beaver, too. But mostly I'm the dad. I'm responsible for it, though. I pay attention to my "rule making" nature and short circuit when every possible. I'm even getting better about my fix the problem nature, too.
The enforcement of the stereotype roles is Dominator Model (Riane Eisler, Chalice and the Blade) maintenance. I'm a Partnership Model guy, though.
Why? Because I know that I am a finite creature. I cannot gain adequate skills in every discipline to provide everything that I want much less everything any other human being wants. No body can. In community, though, all skills are available.
I have to allow myself to contribute what I can rather than pretending that I can contribute more. I'm well practiced at justifying my "failures" ready to go great reasons. I can be very reasonable about my feeling of inadequacy.
And I have to allow others to contribute to us -- especially if they bring a skill set I lack or that I don't want to bring to the table.
Both are hard. In the first case, I must first recognize and accept that I am not omnipotent. In the second case I have to accept that being contributed to is not a sign of personal failure. I've had a lot of practice in the last dozen years at both of these.
Ont he other hand, both are very difficult for most Americans. We pretend to be self sufficient at the same time we abdicate personal responsibility. Vicious circle.
Vicious Circle.
Learning to accept contributions hasn't been easy. I've gone through a lot of phases about it. The first phase we the feeling that I didn't deserve what someone was offering. In the second phase, anything I was being offered put a burden on me to reciprocate. You give me something, I am now obligated to give you something of greater value!. The next phase had me refusing to participate in any ritual that including gift giving of any kind. I would not even say words of praise to people. And I rejected -- in a mean way -- any gift or compliment offered. The current phase, in which I am still a neophyte, is to accept with grace any gift offered without feeling any sense of obligation or the need to reciprocate. It's been a challenge, but I am finally becoming comfortable with it. Sometimes my first reaction is "no." But I usually come around. :)
Yesterday I asked my daughter for some financial help. That really pushed all my failure alarm buttons. I let that meaning go. She was pleased that she could help me out. My asking turned out to be a gift to her -- she got to contribute to me. The old "truths" die hard, but when they fall, the resulting thud is very satisfying. :)
I know that when I want to contribute to someone, I am expressing love for them in some way. I hate to have that rejected. I stopped giving in order to get when I was a toddler. It was a short lived way of being. And it hurts a little to be thought of in that way even when it's not personal (which it seldom is). But most people reject contribution. Doesn't really matter what their reasoning is for rejecting it, the contributor has his or her own story of a personal failing. Even though I have a lot of evidence that suggests a rejected offering is always about the intended receiver, I still have a moment of listening to that asshole voice in my head telling me that there is something wrong with me. Giving is a joy for me. It must, therefore, be a joy for others, too. Who am I to deny them their joy!
Here. Have some love. Take as much as you want. It's free. Display it proudly and be sure to give some away.
{In my best compassionate daddy voice} Go forth and contribute!
I know that it is not possible for me to prepare the entire meal so that everyone in my life is satisfied with life. I don't care how many time I've been told that a man is supposed to be able to do just that.
Society still gives that message to its young men and young women. And some guys try very hard to live up to it and some young women settle for what they are getting while being angry with their guy for failing. Some guys are angry with their gals for failing in their role, too. To bring a RHPS reference in, our culture is not so far from the Brad and Janet relationship at the beginning of the movie.
Just as any movie requires us to suspend our disbelief, so, in fact, does life by the default relationship models. We have coworkers, family, friends, sweeties and, maybe, children in our lives. How we are with them follows the roles we were taught or reacts against them. Either way, most of us are playing out the same game humans have been playing for a thousand years. Precious few escape this in any meaningful way.
I haven't escaped it at all. If I'm not paying attention, I'm become dad in Father Knows Best. Sometimes I'm the mom in Leave it to Beaver, too. But mostly I'm the dad. I'm responsible for it, though. I pay attention to my "rule making" nature and short circuit when every possible. I'm even getting better about my fix the problem nature, too.
The enforcement of the stereotype roles is Dominator Model (Riane Eisler, Chalice and the Blade) maintenance. I'm a Partnership Model guy, though.
Why? Because I know that I am a finite creature. I cannot gain adequate skills in every discipline to provide everything that I want much less everything any other human being wants. No body can. In community, though, all skills are available.
I have to allow myself to contribute what I can rather than pretending that I can contribute more. I'm well practiced at justifying my "failures" ready to go great reasons. I can be very reasonable about my feeling of inadequacy.
And I have to allow others to contribute to us -- especially if they bring a skill set I lack or that I don't want to bring to the table.
Both are hard. In the first case, I must first recognize and accept that I am not omnipotent. In the second case I have to accept that being contributed to is not a sign of personal failure. I've had a lot of practice in the last dozen years at both of these.
Ont he other hand, both are very difficult for most Americans. We pretend to be self sufficient at the same time we abdicate personal responsibility. Vicious circle.
Vicious Circle.
Learning to accept contributions hasn't been easy. I've gone through a lot of phases about it. The first phase we the feeling that I didn't deserve what someone was offering. In the second phase, anything I was being offered put a burden on me to reciprocate. You give me something, I am now obligated to give you something of greater value!. The next phase had me refusing to participate in any ritual that including gift giving of any kind. I would not even say words of praise to people. And I rejected -- in a mean way -- any gift or compliment offered. The current phase, in which I am still a neophyte, is to accept with grace any gift offered without feeling any sense of obligation or the need to reciprocate. It's been a challenge, but I am finally becoming comfortable with it. Sometimes my first reaction is "no." But I usually come around. :)
Yesterday I asked my daughter for some financial help. That really pushed all my failure alarm buttons. I let that meaning go. She was pleased that she could help me out. My asking turned out to be a gift to her -- she got to contribute to me. The old "truths" die hard, but when they fall, the resulting thud is very satisfying. :)
I know that when I want to contribute to someone, I am expressing love for them in some way. I hate to have that rejected. I stopped giving in order to get when I was a toddler. It was a short lived way of being. And it hurts a little to be thought of in that way even when it's not personal (which it seldom is). But most people reject contribution. Doesn't really matter what their reasoning is for rejecting it, the contributor has his or her own story of a personal failing. Even though I have a lot of evidence that suggests a rejected offering is always about the intended receiver, I still have a moment of listening to that asshole voice in my head telling me that there is something wrong with me. Giving is a joy for me. It must, therefore, be a joy for others, too. Who am I to deny them their joy!
Here. Have some love. Take as much as you want. It's free. Display it proudly and be sure to give some away.
{In my best compassionate daddy voice} Go forth and contribute!