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I think I'll give up my new antihistamine for a few days. It's a SWAG concerning my lousy sleeping habits for the last few days. Three rounds of three or four hour naps.

I had another altered memory dream last night. This one was one off the "not real in the first place" dreams. I'm beginning to wonder if any of the altered dreams were real memories. A startling number of my boyhood memories aren't real. It's very possible that I'm recreating memories I created in the first place. How odd that is. :)

I'm also having provider dreams. There have been several lately. I financed a theater and movie production company for Joe. The dream with Amy was way more elaborate. I had an Enterprise-style space ship in orbit and offered Amy control of all the labs. She was the final say on who could do what in the labs. I've had such dreams centered on Joe, Amy, Michele, Heather, Eric, Aeire, CI as a whole group (I had a theater built for us with ubber props, moving stages and the whole works).

Some of the dreams are anonymous. The theater dream, for instance. I hired a theater manager and the cast had no idea it was my theater. It was fun to listen to people suggest changes that would "mysteriously" get changed. The space ship dream was, too. It was just a few hundred people living on the ship along with "ship's company." It had a bit of a DS-9 feel. I think that comes from listening to all the episodes recently from Aeire's computer.

I like those dreams.

Love.

But...

I love my life. Really. I can't qualify that or diminish it. I love my life. And it is due mostly to the training and companionship I gained in Haman Awareness Institute (HAI) workshops and Landmark Education courses.

However, there is a missing. And the words for it poured in this morning. I think I've written something like this before. It sounds vaguely familiar. This time, though, it is clearly what is so. And it is more than vaguely distressing!

I learned to love in HAI. And more importantly, I learned to be loved. Without that I would not have a life I love -- I might not even have a life. In Landmark Education I learned how to get results on a grand scale. I have changed the tenor of conversations in large communities. That is, I learned how look at the world such that there is no failure and nothing is wrong. It's very much in the Eastern philosophy that says the journey is what matters and not the destination.

I have over the years become a strong proponent of nonviolence and Mahatma Gandhi is a big time hero of mine.

And all that has me living a life I love which is the promise of Landmark's Curriculum for Living core education series.

But.

All the things I have always wanted and now have are not personal.

For as bar back as I can remember -- into childhood -- I have wanted to live in a "group" house. What I called a commune for several years and what I call an intentional family now. I live is such a house.

During my young adult life, I wanted to be able to retire early -- really early. I have done that more or less as I wanted.

From early adolescence, I wanted to love and be loved by lots of people. It was really a memory and nostalgia of my childhood friendships. I have that. There are dozens of people I love and who love me back.

I have my long held dream of being involved in community theater -- yes, I think Crazed Imaginations fits in that category even if others don't think so.

And all of that and more isn't personal. It is beyond my personal desires. All of these are bigger than me. They are things that make my world more wonderful to live in.

And all of that and more give me a life that I love.

But the things are are personal wants are left unfilled. There are many things on that list. And no matter what I do or say, those things are not available to me. Why? They require the cooperation of specific individuals rather than targets of opportunity in large populations.

Getting a group house together is not that hard (although, for years, I thought it was). Getting an intentional family together is also not all that difficult. There are several communities I could mine for suitable members of a loosely connected family. And even love isn't all that difficult to get as long as one isn't being narrow about who can and can't partake in that exchange.

Yes. I have a life I love. I can't imagine surviving other circumstances (although, I'm sure I would).

But having a life I love does not prevent emotional hurt. It doesn't not prevent longing. I've come close. In my whole life, I have a total of maybe 6 years of getting it mostly. Three years as a child and three as an adult. Both times, the costs were high.

And sometimes I would give up everything for a few years of filled personal wants.

And it just isn't going to happen. Ever. And no amount of Enrollment, Registration and Transformation will cause it.

"You can have anything you want for yourself and your life" as long as it isn't personal.

I love my life and I will die with a broken heart.

I've chosen a path that requires that I give up the personal. It is my philosophical practice. It is my spiritual practice. And I can't really do it. I don't want to do it. (That would be personal. :)

And today, it hurts. It will hurt tomorrow, too.

All right then.

I need a plan. Seldom do things happen without an implemented plan. I'll even see if I can make it a good plan. :)

I'm going to get down to a maximum of 200 pounds. Dammit.

I was doing okay for a short period without a plan, but a plan is the only way I can maintain my focus over a long enough period of time.

I know why I keep losing focus. I try to forget why, but I know why. Sometime in dim past I was told that fitness and libido were tied together pretty strongly. It was partly the reasons I put on so much weight as a young adolescent. Purposely shutting everything down.

Then for years I've thought "What happens if I lose weight and get generally strong and fit and still have no libido?" And now I have the other problem. What happens if I lose weight and get fit and libido shows up loud and clear? That would be a very big problem in my life. Too big. A problem so big that I never want to deal with it.

How do I reconcile all that? I don't know. I think it's just the chance I'm going to have to take. There are plenty of drugs on the market that kill libido, maybe I'll have to take one along with my 'statin. :)