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My Traumas never let me alone. Ever. They play on the radio station of my mind -- KFCK, all crap all the time. Everyday it plays Alien Orphan, Insecurity Hour, The Adventures of Lynn Loser, Dopey Dobbs Slapstick Review, Paranoia Parade, Memory Madness and the daytime drama Nobody Loves Me.
I'm 54 years old. My break in belonging crises was 43 years ago. It was a sufficiently large crises that it wiped out the standard third bit of childhood's deadly trio. I haven't had my heart broken in a serious way. The general manager of my KFCK radio station was born, lived and died in 1960. For years and years I listened to that radio station as if it were the keeper of Truth. I can turn up the volume and listen anytime I want but most often when I don't want to listen it gets a lot louder.
I know it will never go off the air. Ever. No amount of "growth work" or introspection or therapy or any other program, treatment or medications (legal or not) will ever take my history from me. Things happened. They are what they are, I did what I did, people did what they did, I reacted as I reacted, and I made up the stories I made up. Nothing can ever change that. Ever.
However, I no longer have to believe any of it. Nothing that plays on that radio station has to influence the decisions I make today. Nothing that pretends to be the Truth of my past has to negate the evidence I see in my present. And nothing in my past sits in my future like a sinkhole waiting to stop me from having a fine time with my life.
In the last 15 years, I have heard about the past dramas of perhaps a thousand different people. I have listened while they cried and screamed. I have held some while they sobbed about the abuses of their childhood or the loneliness of the present or the hopelessness of the future. I have offered to listen while they dumped their mental cesspools. I have heard every story there is to hear about incest, rape, physical and psychological abuse, hunger, war, chronic pain, debilitating disease, and any other ugliness that anyone can imagine. I have heard from the abused and the abuser. I have listened to people who were tortured in foreign and domestic prisons. I have listened to people who were nearly killed by a spouse or lover. I have listened to people who have killed, robbed, and brutalized other people. I have listened to enough hate speech that I suspect there isn't a new way to say anything hateful.
We all have our radio stations. KFCK, it seems, is very popular. And for the most part, only the names have been changed from one station to the next. The plot lines are remarkably similar.
The only question that one might ask is, "Do I want to listen to this stations right now?"
My KFCK will always be there like an old, familiar companion who is comfortable and secure even if it scares the hell out of me. I choose to not listen to that station right now. I choose to turn up the volume on love, community, gentleness, compassion, respect and dignity.
Sometimes, though, other people would rather I listen to KFCK. There is truth to Misery Loves Company. Once in awhile, some given person is able to convince me, too. But not for long. I never forget that I get to choose what is true for me right now. And that need not have anything to do with what was true yesterday or 43 years ago.
Want to turn down your radio station? I know two tool sets that will work if applied. Success guaranteed if one uses the tools.
I will listen if you want me to listen to your current pains or gains. I am very, very good at that and I am genuinely interested. If, however, you just want to share your radio station, I am not interested. I am not company for you past. Really. I'm not.
I'm 54 years old. My break in belonging crises was 43 years ago. It was a sufficiently large crises that it wiped out the standard third bit of childhood's deadly trio. I haven't had my heart broken in a serious way. The general manager of my KFCK radio station was born, lived and died in 1960. For years and years I listened to that radio station as if it were the keeper of Truth. I can turn up the volume and listen anytime I want but most often when I don't want to listen it gets a lot louder.
I know it will never go off the air. Ever. No amount of "growth work" or introspection or therapy or any other program, treatment or medications (legal or not) will ever take my history from me. Things happened. They are what they are, I did what I did, people did what they did, I reacted as I reacted, and I made up the stories I made up. Nothing can ever change that. Ever.
However, I no longer have to believe any of it. Nothing that plays on that radio station has to influence the decisions I make today. Nothing that pretends to be the Truth of my past has to negate the evidence I see in my present. And nothing in my past sits in my future like a sinkhole waiting to stop me from having a fine time with my life.
In the last 15 years, I have heard about the past dramas of perhaps a thousand different people. I have listened while they cried and screamed. I have held some while they sobbed about the abuses of their childhood or the loneliness of the present or the hopelessness of the future. I have offered to listen while they dumped their mental cesspools. I have heard every story there is to hear about incest, rape, physical and psychological abuse, hunger, war, chronic pain, debilitating disease, and any other ugliness that anyone can imagine. I have heard from the abused and the abuser. I have listened to people who were tortured in foreign and domestic prisons. I have listened to people who were nearly killed by a spouse or lover. I have listened to people who have killed, robbed, and brutalized other people. I have listened to enough hate speech that I suspect there isn't a new way to say anything hateful.
We all have our radio stations. KFCK, it seems, is very popular. And for the most part, only the names have been changed from one station to the next. The plot lines are remarkably similar.
The only question that one might ask is, "Do I want to listen to this stations right now?"
My KFCK will always be there like an old, familiar companion who is comfortable and secure even if it scares the hell out of me. I choose to not listen to that station right now. I choose to turn up the volume on love, community, gentleness, compassion, respect and dignity.
Sometimes, though, other people would rather I listen to KFCK. There is truth to Misery Loves Company. Once in awhile, some given person is able to convince me, too. But not for long. I never forget that I get to choose what is true for me right now. And that need not have anything to do with what was true yesterday or 43 years ago.
Want to turn down your radio station? I know two tool sets that will work if applied. Success guaranteed if one uses the tools.
I will listen if you want me to listen to your current pains or gains. I am very, very good at that and I am genuinely interested. If, however, you just want to share your radio station, I am not interested. I am not company for you past. Really. I'm not.