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When left on my own to consider my life, there are two ways in which I have considered myself less than fully human. Two aspects of living in which I have felt inadequate. Over the last 40+ years, I have hidden myself or my defects or both. I have pretended and outright lied.
I really get that I am not defective. Getting that, though, does nothing to put an end to pain.
For clarity, let me define two terms that I use often.
PAIN. Whether physical or emotional, pain is a real and natural reaction to an event.
SUFFERING. The on going reaction to the meaning we give to the event.
Here's an insignificant example from my past. For years, I had a tendency to run into things, like door jams, when walking. It would hurt. Sometimes it would hurt a lot. That was pain. I would give it this meaning: I'm a klutz. Over time, I suffered the humiliation of being a klutz. The pain of running into stuff was real. The suffering was only as real as I made it from my beliefs about it.
That said, I am not suffering about the two areas I mentioned in the first paragraph. I have the hand I was dealt. I am not wasting my time thinking my life should be some other way. I do not feel inadequate or less than human any longer.
However, just as there was new pain each and every time I ran into a door jam or stubbed my toe, there is new pain each and every time I experience the difference. It is a sense of loss that is fresh at each triggering event. I am being provided triggering events three or four times a week.
All there is to do is feel sad while the pain lasts. Treat the wound and continue on. There is value in this. Just as I learned over three decades to miss the door jams, I will learn to brush off this recurring pain. I do want to learn faster, though.
I really get that I am not defective. Getting that, though, does nothing to put an end to pain.
For clarity, let me define two terms that I use often.
PAIN. Whether physical or emotional, pain is a real and natural reaction to an event.
SUFFERING. The on going reaction to the meaning we give to the event.
Here's an insignificant example from my past. For years, I had a tendency to run into things, like door jams, when walking. It would hurt. Sometimes it would hurt a lot. That was pain. I would give it this meaning: I'm a klutz. Over time, I suffered the humiliation of being a klutz. The pain of running into stuff was real. The suffering was only as real as I made it from my beliefs about it.
That said, I am not suffering about the two areas I mentioned in the first paragraph. I have the hand I was dealt. I am not wasting my time thinking my life should be some other way. I do not feel inadequate or less than human any longer.
However, just as there was new pain each and every time I ran into a door jam or stubbed my toe, there is new pain each and every time I experience the difference. It is a sense of loss that is fresh at each triggering event. I am being provided triggering events three or four times a week.
All there is to do is feel sad while the pain lasts. Treat the wound and continue on. There is value in this. Just as I learned over three decades to miss the door jams, I will learn to brush off this recurring pain. I do want to learn faster, though.
no subject
That doesn't parallel missing doorjambs.
It looks suspiciously like what someone would say who was supressing ...
I love you, Lynn, and I don't want to be right in this. I want to understand what you're talking about, because it SOUNDS like you ARE suffering. It really does.
suffering
some things are just sad, you know? i see nothing wrong with grieving over loss, or lack, as long as that doesn't rule my life. i consider the latter part the important bit.