![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
When I was much, much younger, I had a tendency to surround myself with dysfunctional folks. I was drawn to them even though they drove me crazy.
This is far less true now. Oh, I still notice an emotional attraction to the "broken" people. And I still have the internal conversation that argues that I can fix the parts that drive me nuts.
I just realized what is driving that. I used to think that, because I, too, was "broken" that I wanted to associate with my own kind. But I was not like the folks I choose as friends. They weren't just the outcasts, they were the really emotionally disturbed folks.
I just realized what was really driving. There was never any romantic interest in those people. I surrounded myself with a dead zone of sexuality. Why? Because exposure to the world of sexuality was/is painful. And I couldn't deal with it when I was young.
I deal with it now through years of conditioning. I'm acclimated, so to speak. And I get a sense of what it might be like vicariously. But there are limits to what is tolerable.
I have very few issues with RHPS, but one is the highly concentrated pheromones released into the air by those around 2 decades old. It's fun to watch, but it is a constant reminder of what is missing in my biology.
There are circles I no longer travel in because the constant sexual tension was too much a reminder. RHPS doesn't approach that level, but there are other aggravating circumstances. I'll not quite RHPS, but I must develop a new relationship with these circumstances or I will go completely fucking nuts.
This is far less true now. Oh, I still notice an emotional attraction to the "broken" people. And I still have the internal conversation that argues that I can fix the parts that drive me nuts.
I just realized what is driving that. I used to think that, because I, too, was "broken" that I wanted to associate with my own kind. But I was not like the folks I choose as friends. They weren't just the outcasts, they were the really emotionally disturbed folks.
I just realized what was really driving. There was never any romantic interest in those people. I surrounded myself with a dead zone of sexuality. Why? Because exposure to the world of sexuality was/is painful. And I couldn't deal with it when I was young.
I deal with it now through years of conditioning. I'm acclimated, so to speak. And I get a sense of what it might be like vicariously. But there are limits to what is tolerable.
I have very few issues with RHPS, but one is the highly concentrated pheromones released into the air by those around 2 decades old. It's fun to watch, but it is a constant reminder of what is missing in my biology.
There are circles I no longer travel in because the constant sexual tension was too much a reminder. RHPS doesn't approach that level, but there are other aggravating circumstances. I'll not quite RHPS, but I must develop a new relationship with these circumstances or I will go completely fucking nuts.