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I love being an art model.
Today I finished a two session job. Same pose for both sessions. About 4 hours of the total time was spent sitting very still focused on a spot on the wall. What to do for 20 minutes at a time? I think. I examine all my current concerns, worries, projects and plans. I look at each in detail discarding any added baggage that I can find. Everything comes up clean. I will also spend time thinking about people in general and specific people. In today's modeling, I spent the 20 minute segment like this:
Segment 1: Thinking about Heather. It was a trip down nostalgia lane. That was a very fast 20 minutes.
Segment 2: Thinking about the Crazed Imaginations web site. Working on the design in my head. Also a fast 20 minutes.
Segment 3: Thinking about Michelle and her pregnancy. I played all sorts of games about her baby girl and who she would grow up to be and what part I would play in her life. I was awash in love and wellbeing. This was the fastest segment. I was astonished when my timer went off.
Segment 4: Thinking about Amy. This segment was the slowest. I was busy looking at what I bring to the table when I am just being a listener for her. It doesn't matter how unburdened I am at the time, it is not likely that she sees that. I played a lot of games about what she might be seeing in me. It was a little disconcerting. I played as many possibilities as I could think of. Some were extremely absurd. Some had a much more plausible foundation. I do not make the mistake of thinking any of that is actually how it is. It's a good game for me to play, though. Always reminds me to pay attention!
Segment 5: Thinking about SELP. I spent 20 minutes listening to every thought I could come up with for not becoming as SELP leader. Very interesting. I gave my fears full expression for talking me out of it. I wasn't hooked by any of it. I know I'll get hooked eventually. I'm really curious to see what gets me.
Segment 6: Thinking about "love" and "in love." This is a favorite game. I like to deconstruct and reconstruct these notions. Leaving out culturally required bits and pieces then adding other bits and pieces.
That leads to the other thing I want to add to this entry. I love love.
When I am in the state of being I call love, I feel alive, whole and complete. It is a space in which I am actually present and enjoying what there is at the moment. Doesn't matter if I'm with someone or not.
When I'm in the state of being I call "in love," it contains all that love offers but includes much more specific feelings. Love requires no body chemicals or primate responses. In love, though, alters my physical being. It's being both mellow and energetic. A bit like being half asleep while on speed. And the primate is in the game. I catch myself jockeying for position and being upset when I'm ignored to long or envious when someone else is getting attention. Sometimes my inner primate even feels possessive. All wonderful and fun emotions to feel as long as I remember they are reactions to biology and have no basis in reality.
It is a state I am very nearly addicted to. I find that I am seldom without it to some degree or another with, usually, more than one person. It is currently very strong and very pleasant.
When I was four or five, I had a very special girlfriend. I can almost picture her face but I have no chance of remembering her name. We spent most of one summer in each others' company. We mostly played house. We almost always were holding hands. We knew we would get married when we grew up. We kissed a lot. We even ran away together. There was an purity in that love. An innocent enjoyment of each other and enchanted dreams of a future we had no hope of achieving or even foretelling. But I have memories of those feelings. Memories of the affection that had no agenda and no place to go. Nothing about our play was in order to stir passion. Everything we did, we did for the point of doing exactly what we were doing. We were too young to strategize. Too young to be jaded. Sometimes I really, really miss those days. :)
And I love you, too.
Today I finished a two session job. Same pose for both sessions. About 4 hours of the total time was spent sitting very still focused on a spot on the wall. What to do for 20 minutes at a time? I think. I examine all my current concerns, worries, projects and plans. I look at each in detail discarding any added baggage that I can find. Everything comes up clean. I will also spend time thinking about people in general and specific people. In today's modeling, I spent the 20 minute segment like this:
Segment 1: Thinking about Heather. It was a trip down nostalgia lane. That was a very fast 20 minutes.
Segment 2: Thinking about the Crazed Imaginations web site. Working on the design in my head. Also a fast 20 minutes.
Segment 3: Thinking about Michelle and her pregnancy. I played all sorts of games about her baby girl and who she would grow up to be and what part I would play in her life. I was awash in love and wellbeing. This was the fastest segment. I was astonished when my timer went off.
Segment 4: Thinking about Amy. This segment was the slowest. I was busy looking at what I bring to the table when I am just being a listener for her. It doesn't matter how unburdened I am at the time, it is not likely that she sees that. I played a lot of games about what she might be seeing in me. It was a little disconcerting. I played as many possibilities as I could think of. Some were extremely absurd. Some had a much more plausible foundation. I do not make the mistake of thinking any of that is actually how it is. It's a good game for me to play, though. Always reminds me to pay attention!
Segment 5: Thinking about SELP. I spent 20 minutes listening to every thought I could come up with for not becoming as SELP leader. Very interesting. I gave my fears full expression for talking me out of it. I wasn't hooked by any of it. I know I'll get hooked eventually. I'm really curious to see what gets me.
Segment 6: Thinking about "love" and "in love." This is a favorite game. I like to deconstruct and reconstruct these notions. Leaving out culturally required bits and pieces then adding other bits and pieces.
That leads to the other thing I want to add to this entry. I love love.
When I am in the state of being I call love, I feel alive, whole and complete. It is a space in which I am actually present and enjoying what there is at the moment. Doesn't matter if I'm with someone or not.
When I'm in the state of being I call "in love," it contains all that love offers but includes much more specific feelings. Love requires no body chemicals or primate responses. In love, though, alters my physical being. It's being both mellow and energetic. A bit like being half asleep while on speed. And the primate is in the game. I catch myself jockeying for position and being upset when I'm ignored to long or envious when someone else is getting attention. Sometimes my inner primate even feels possessive. All wonderful and fun emotions to feel as long as I remember they are reactions to biology and have no basis in reality.
It is a state I am very nearly addicted to. I find that I am seldom without it to some degree or another with, usually, more than one person. It is currently very strong and very pleasant.
When I was four or five, I had a very special girlfriend. I can almost picture her face but I have no chance of remembering her name. We spent most of one summer in each others' company. We mostly played house. We almost always were holding hands. We knew we would get married when we grew up. We kissed a lot. We even ran away together. There was an purity in that love. An innocent enjoyment of each other and enchanted dreams of a future we had no hope of achieving or even foretelling. But I have memories of those feelings. Memories of the affection that had no agenda and no place to go. Nothing about our play was in order to stir passion. Everything we did, we did for the point of doing exactly what we were doing. We were too young to strategize. Too young to be jaded. Sometimes I really, really miss those days. :)
And I love you, too.