When one has

[outlier_lynn]

the full palette of emotions back, one must expect to feel sad some of the time. And this morning it's still at the top of the queue.

I have more peace with it this morning, though. Nothing like a good cry and a restless night's sleep.

Amy offered up her ear last night. I took a rain check. I didn't have any words for what is going on. And that would be the worst time to talk about anything. :)

I had to end that conversation earlier than I would normally have liked. I could feel the urge to talk overwhelm my judgement.

I've just cleaned up a major mess I had made, I have no desire to create another so soon. I really do prefer a drama free life.

This sadness has enormous potential for drama. I have to find a workable context for it pretty soon or I'll be in danger of beating myself up for some imagined lack. I can feel the familiar tug of the old desire to cut whole segments and communities out of my life rather than feel this sadness.

But it's not the circumstances of life that are important, it's what one does with and about them.

If I weren't standing firmly in my commitment to love and compassion -- intending that every conversation create peace, love and joy -- I'd be in Depression Hell slowly roasting over the open fire fueled by unworthiness, inadequacy, and alienation. Those old familiar conversations that will show up every time I let my commitment to love wane.

In many ways, I'm enjoying this feeling. As if it is proof that I can stand in the face of sadness, accept it, let it wash over me and know that it isn't me.

I long for the conversation to come and I fear it. I've played the worst case scenario game with it and I know, at the worst, it is just going to be very awkward and embarrassing. I'm not worried about the worst case. I'm having trouble taking the gamble because this conversation is going to alter the status quo.

There is much for me to lose and not much for me to gain. It seems like a poor risk. But I am standing in the coals and the trick there is to keep walking.

I mustn't give mass to this sadness by playing the What If game.

This last couple of months are ample proof that I must not allow myself to go numb again. It is too costly for me and too costly for the people in my life.

There are all kinds of joys in my life right now. Heaps of it. My daughter has moved a thousand miles closer and I really like her husband to be. One of the women I'm in love with is head over heels with a fellow I'm well on my way to being in love with too. (It freaks him out slightly.) And she's going to be a mommy. I'm tearing up right now thinking of the happiness that exists in that world.

There are many people who love me. I am amazed when I look at the list of people who have recently told me they love me. I bask in that warmth.

And under it all is this sadness. I recognize it as just some unfinished business. Just a conversation I have been refusing to have for fear of losing that which I can't quite define. It's really a silliness, a dream, maybe a nightmare.

The time has come, the Walrus said,
To talk of many things,
Of shoes and ships,
Of ceiling wax, of cabbages and kings,
And why the sea is boiling hot,
And whether pigs have wings!

Yes a conversation is to come. A talk of many things. Unlike the Walrus, I do not wish to mislead and terrify an oyster.

In this conversation, I am a pig without wings and an ocean without heat. I'm more cabbage than king. It will be okay that that is what is so. It's just not okay to have any doubt about it. It's not okay to have any hope or to have any false sense of standing.

It is not okay to stroll down the beach only to be devoured or discarded at journey's end because I walked the whole way in a delusion.

Between now and the time to talk of many things, I will feel what I feel and I will be what I need to be.

Above all, I will love. Always love.

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[porcinea.livejournal.com]

*hugs*