outlier_lynn (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
outlier_lynn) wrote2004-01-09 09:21 pm
outlier_lynn) wrote2004-01-09 09:21 pm
(no subject)
I noticed something last night that put a spotlight on a pattern of behavior that irritates the hell out of me when it comes up. I noticed that I was more or less pissy last night at the Self Expression and Leadership Program classroom. I'd see it and get off it. I'd even figure out what had me be pissy. Then, in moments, I'd be pissy again. I was up and down all evening.
The pattern finally filtered through around midnight (long after the evening was over). I've been pissy at this point in the SELP every time I have coached or head coached. This point and ONLY this point.
Inside the SELP there is something called "a community project" that each participant, all the coaches coach and the leader creates for themselves to work on through the program. Last night's classroom was the one in which everyone was to have a project form filled out.
It was clear to me that we weren't going to meet that goal. We weren't going to have a form from everyone and people were going to leave at the end of the night and not have a project they loved to work on.
More importantly, I made it mean I had failed to do my job in some fundamental way. It held it as some simple failure on my part that I was not able to mitigate or manage. Circumstances beyond my control were putting me and my reputation in harms way and I was taking that very personal. And pissy I would get.
Oh dear me.
I took that understanding and applied it to the rest of my life. Bingo. Everywhere that I was feeling stupidly inadequate to some task that seems to be unbelievably simple, pissiness shows up.
How special.
Being pissy isn't going to get me the results I want, but it does make it easier for me to attempt to assign blame or to turn the spotlight on someone else. The whole mechanism to hide an inadequacy is now out from darkness. I feel much freer to experiment at the edges of me abilities.
I sat in the emotional dregs of that for awhile then speculated what would be so for people around me at times like this. Yucky spaces all. And completely ineffective at protecting myself.
I have a renewed commitment to being present to what is so, rolling with the setbacks and letting plans change as needed to accommodate the ever changing circumstances of life.
I think it means I need to schedule time to learn Riff-Raff rather than just worrying that I'll fuck up the Sha-na-nas.
Love.
The pattern finally filtered through around midnight (long after the evening was over). I've been pissy at this point in the SELP every time I have coached or head coached. This point and ONLY this point.
Inside the SELP there is something called "a community project" that each participant, all the coaches coach and the leader creates for themselves to work on through the program. Last night's classroom was the one in which everyone was to have a project form filled out.
It was clear to me that we weren't going to meet that goal. We weren't going to have a form from everyone and people were going to leave at the end of the night and not have a project they loved to work on.
More importantly, I made it mean I had failed to do my job in some fundamental way. It held it as some simple failure on my part that I was not able to mitigate or manage. Circumstances beyond my control were putting me and my reputation in harms way and I was taking that very personal. And pissy I would get.
Oh dear me.
I took that understanding and applied it to the rest of my life. Bingo. Everywhere that I was feeling stupidly inadequate to some task that seems to be unbelievably simple, pissiness shows up.
How special.
Being pissy isn't going to get me the results I want, but it does make it easier for me to attempt to assign blame or to turn the spotlight on someone else. The whole mechanism to hide an inadequacy is now out from darkness. I feel much freer to experiment at the edges of me abilities.
I sat in the emotional dregs of that for awhile then speculated what would be so for people around me at times like this. Yucky spaces all. And completely ineffective at protecting myself.
I have a renewed commitment to being present to what is so, rolling with the setbacks and letting plans change as needed to accommodate the ever changing circumstances of life.
I think it means I need to schedule time to learn Riff-Raff rather than just worrying that I'll fuck up the Sha-na-nas.
Love.
no subject