i'm going to respond anyway

[outlier_lynn]

No fair turning comment mode off. :)

DISCLAIMER: This is an out of context response for the quoted statement. I know not what Manhattan had in mind when the post was made. It is only one possible interpretation of the sentence.

It's hard not to feel responsible for other people's feelings.

It is my position that we are responsible for other's feelings.

"Oh, dear!" the chorus sighs.

Being responsible, though doesn't, to me, mean taking the blame or feeling the guilt. It means that I am in charge of how I am perceived.

I have declared myself to be loving and compassionate. But the only way I know if I am being loving and compassionate is if people tell me. Sometimes I can tell from reactions to me, sometimes I can't. I have on-going coaching from my family and friends to keep me trued up.

With all that said, if I show up as love and compassion and that "hurts" someone's feelings, I will feel compassion. As long as I am showing up how I want to show up--as long as I am self-expressed and maskless--the "hurt" that another experiences is their response to the real me. And it is theirs to be responsible for.

We have a shared responsibility to lower our masks, drop our defenses and be honest and forthright with one another.

Almost always, when I have hurt someone's feelings, it is because I am running some game of my own and I am not being love and compassion.

Love and Light,
Lynn

Comments

[machineplay.livejournal.com]

~giggles~ You can always email me. The no comment just means "wallowing, don't waste power". :) I don't mean responsible for not hurting people or being sensitive to their needs, I meant feeling guilty because someone else is depressed and maybe if I sacrificed a little harder, I might be able to make it better (but not really, that's the illusion). I have a few friends who don't have many other friends for one reason or another and when they're feeling all dire and unloved, I start to feel like maybe I didn't try hard enough. But I can't change their world, especially from across an ocean! It's that situation, when I'm being real and respecting my own boundaries and they're feeling hurt, that's when I start drowning in that struggle of, well, if I hurt myself some more, they'd hurt less. It was a bad habit I got into as a child, going without in one way or another so other people could get what they wanted. I can't go there... my boundaries are there to protect me and my family.

[machineplay.livejournal.com]

What you say about responsibility is a good point, though. If I've hurt someone's feelings (as I had a go at actually doing tonight) it's up to me to listen to them and to look at my actions. If I spit in someone's face and say I'm not responsible for them feeling hurt, that's ludicrous. I'm responsible for my actions and my responses. Sometimes I hurt people by being irresponsible or by defensive or selfish. Then I need to look at myself and say "Okay, what's my deal here. Apologize first, then go and sit and think about it." I find myself in a dilemma, though, when I hurt people's feelings by refusing to bend over backwards or because they expect me to be available to them and I simply don't have the capacity. And then, as I said, there's the situation I was in when I wrote the initial post when one of my friends said he hated the whole world and wasn't going to be around for a while. My response right off was "what vein can I open to fix this". That's not acceptable to me and I have to fight it.

[crazed-lynn.livejournal.com]

I actually said most of what I would say to this post in my other response, but I always have more to say. :) This may or may not have anything to do with your motivations.

One of the things I have noticed is that many people are very uncomfortable around other people who are suffering in some way. We tend to not want to see it or hear it. We will try to make it stop. I think it is a disservice to folks if we take them out of the experience. Let them have the experience with out feedback until they ask for something.

Let's use a child as an example becuase they aren't jaded yet. :) When a young child has a traumantic moment, they cry or wail or in some way experience their pain. Then at some point they make a request. :) They want to be held, usually. They calm down. And it's over. (When they are older, they try to hook the parent into taking sides, but that's a different post. :)

Adults tend to get into the act with kids earlier than the request. Big mistake, I think. A pattern of that will eventually become "You're always telling me what to do..." :)

If we take create around us a climate that is loving and compassionate with out the automatic response to others' emotional pain, we can be available to them when they ask. We can also create a climate in which people ask for what they really want (as simple as someone to just listen), and they are willing to hear no. That's the hard part.

If a community is built on that, there will almost certainly be a listener available. A no from one person isn't the end of the world. And it's not a rejection.

I'm thrilled you aren't opening veins for folks. It won't help, they won't notice and if they do, they won't appreciate it. Your sacrafice woun't land in they life as a gift. Your stand for them to be bigger than they are playing will.

As a good example, the really good teachers keep their charges inspired and challenged. It is the stand for excellence that makes the difference.

Most of us tend (as we have been taught) to listen for the failures in ours and others' lives. A little practice and some coaching can alter the pattern so we are listening for the brilliance in ourselves and others. Listening for the miracles only.

That's the stand I want to be all the time. As I continue to practice, it is the place I stand more and more often.

Love and Light,
Lynn

[crazed-lynn.livejournal.com]

Your describing another of the ways that your original sentence could be interpreted.

This is a much more subtle way, too. In the way I mentioned, we beat ourselves up for doing something wrong. In this way, we beat ourselves up for not doing right. Either way, we get to beat ourselves up. :)

When someone is the midst of a serious downward spiral into the pit of depression, throwing one's self in after them isn't going to help, that's for sure. Partly we think we should be able to make it better even though we can't. We can reassure someone that we love them 'til the cows come home, but if they feel unlovable, they won't hear it in any good way. Other examples left as an easy exercise for the reader. :)

We tend to play small in our lives. We find reasons why we shouldn't be self-expressed. And when someone we know is in a nose dive, our first response to play smaller to they won't feel alone. But misery does love company. If we play big--playing our lives full out--the misery won't have company and it will go away. :) When we play big with our lives, we create a space for other people to step into. We increase the possibilities in their lives just by the way we are being. hope returns to the hopeless when we show them something big and shiny rather than joining them in crying into our beers.

Unconditional love makes us feel connected to those who are flailing and will have us stand available when asked. Their flailing won't push our buttons and cause us to sink to our waist in our own pity-party.

One of the great things about love and compassion in the game of playing big is that it has abundance and we are included in it. :) It really is a rising tide that floats all boats.

love and Light,
Lynn