Watcha' good at

[outlier_lynn]

Recently I was chatting with a new friend about the notion that each of us has some skill or talent that we use to get us through our days. It's the thing we have practiced a lot from the time we were little so that we are really good. It's our ace in the hole when the way gets tough.


My talent/skill has always been to know a lot about a lot of things such that I can solve practical problems and difficulties pretty quickly. I can troubleshoot a failed system even if I am not familiar with it to any great extent. I can apply great amounts of theory about how the Newtonian universe works and come up with workable solutions quickly and elegant solutions only slightly less quickly.

I am very, very good at it. I am amazed by what those around me can't do and don't know enough about to even make a guess. They have other strengths. They have developed different skills for getting along in the world.

What I am noticing is how often I apply my special sets of skills even when they are not appropriate. When my technical knowledge and problem solving skills are ineffective and, sometimes, make matters even worse.

It's so well practiced that it is an automatic way of looking at the world. An automatic approach to life's circumstances. It is my hammer and when presented with the unexpected situation, everything will look like a nail.

I've gotten quite good at spotting when that is happening and pulling the fuse before I have a meltdown. But in it's place, I have noticed another tendency. In interrupting the automatic response, I lose interest quickly in what ever the circumstance or event is and I move on. When there is no problem to solve or skill to develop or knowledge to get -- on a pretty shallow level -- I get frustrated, resigned, cynical and bored. Then I leave making a mess behind me.

This has become a new -- well not new, but more persistent -- way of dealing with the world. It means that, although I am not applying the hammer, I am still seeing everything as a nail. I have interrupted the behavior, but I have not altered the basic point of view. I am looking at the world through a filter that points out everything that needs fixing or solving. When the level of that reaches a critical mass, I look for a "better" place -- a place less broken with people better equipped.

Another pattern. Whoopee. Now what. Well, I could look at this though the same filter and decide that this is the place to apply the hammer. I could engage my problems solving skills and calculate and experiment my way out. But I already know where that path leads.

Nope. This is a general failure in possibility. I am not generating possibility for shit right now. Why is that, I wonder. Am I not moved, touched and inspired by the possibility of love and compassion? In fact, no. I am completely resigned about it. And I can actually see why.

I am trying to create a paradigm. A new cultural model. A new way for people to interact. It is a losing battle. Not only can I not reach enough people fast enough, new generations are coming of age with the same skewed view of social interaction. I'm resigned because I can not achieve what I want. Hell, I'm an Utopian attached to a flavor, in not a specific, outcome. There is no place for one of those but down the tunnel of frustration and resignation.

How can I keep forgetting my Number 2 mantra? Number 1 is "Be the change you wish to see in the world." The second is "There is nothing wrong."

It is not my purpose to change society or create an ideal social universe. It is not my purpose to overthrow dogma. It is not my purpose to lead the people of sorrow from their personal wilderness. It isn't who I want to be. But those are convenient goals if one thinks all one has is a hammer.

Here's where this leaves me. Depressed and stressed. Profoundly sad and lonely. Isolated and tired. Frustrated and angry. Righteous.

Here's where it leaves the people around me. Hurt, confused and frustrated. Probably angry if they are around much.


Life is an act of creation. Living is the ongoing act of creating. The possibility I am creating for myself and my life is the possibility of being serene.

Comments

pondering

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

well, the saviour bit didn't work for me either, at 17. some day i realized that i didn't have even the minimum that it takes to affect millions of people -- i had neither charisma nor had i actually walked the walk.

so, i drifted on. your mantra #1 is pretty close to what i feel now, though i've stopped thinking in terms of changing the world entirely, and concentrate on changing myself. what i believed at 17 now seems to me very pretentious -- if i couldn't even change myself to be who i wanted to be, where did i get off trying to tell the world to change? problem solving skills are great -- if applied to oneself first of all.

your second mantra would never work for me because i don't have some sort of zen attitude about life -- there is damn much wrong. however, even if i see things as wrong i need to realize that i don't necessarily have the answer. sometimes the answer cannot come from the outside. sometimes i am just as wrong as the next guy about "the" answer. sometimes the problem is too complex for an answer, and needs to simplify itself first. there are lots of reasons why my skills might not work when applied to a specific problem.

that doesn't mean that problem solving skills are useless in the world at large. there are a myriad of problems that need solving. and there are other tools in the set beyond the hammer. maybe you need to look for the right sorts of problems so you can act from your strength instead of trying fight it so much?

Re: pondering

[crazed-lynn.livejournal.com]

Looking for the right sort of problem is something I have been doing, more or less, through life. The Navy would send me to a new duty station, I would see what needed doing to have my new division be great, I would spend 3 years molding it then I would get to go somewhere else before it got boring.

Although I "hate" computers, there is a certain thrill in writing and debugging a complicated script/database/web system. (I just finished step one of a cool script for cast bios for my rocky cast.) And I like solving hardware problems, too. Being a tech/geek was very satisfying for years.

For social problems, it is tougher. If I apply the right/wrong model to our social circumstances, I go nuts. I will get frustrated then angry. And when I notice that the "best solution" is to start outlawing this, that or the other thing, I realize I have been sucked into the fiery pit. :)

I am much better off thinking in terms of what is and isn't effective in social interactions. And having the measure of that be how happy, content and loved/loving people are. I can, more or less, measure that. Then I can see what people are doing to poke holes in their own keels.

That is a simplified version of how I am looking at my own behaviors and attitudes.

It is much harder to get that concept across then it is one of right/wrong. People understand right/wrong even if they disagree with the location of the dividing line. I have fought that model all my life. Didn't know I was fighting it, though. I thought I was struggling with the question of categorizing behavior.

I just notice that people go a little crazy when I say things like, "Well, if you think that X is wrong, you need to get everyone to agree that X is wrong before you try to enforce it." It just doesn't occur to some people that right/wrong is subjective. And they don't want to have that pointed out.

In the xForums, the question of morality comes up often. Many people will agree that right/wrong is constructed, then in the same paragraph list the things that are wrong like it is the Truth. Not enough circles and arrows to get them to see the inconsistency in their own words.

That is the battle I am not prepared to fight any longer. I suspect I will get sucked back eventually, but I have no personal tools to make a difference there -- at least in that venue. They don't want to hear it and I have no desire to keep spitting into the wind.

My originating post cleared the cobwebs up for me quite a bit. I'm applying the "hammer" more effectively again.

As a completely off topic comment, I would like to say, that I think it is cool how much art stuff you are doing. I am impressed and fascinated by the transfers (a mystery to me) you are doing and by papier-mache. I've never had that come out well.

[fairgoldberry.livejournal.com]

At what point does one cease fixing and simply be?

You're trying to change a world you're not actually living in. You reside here, you interact here, but how much of what you do could be called living? How much of your life is really geared towards pulling joy out of life not because you're trying to create a model or paradigm for others but because you truly love to live? If all you do is try to provide a good example for others, of precisely what are you an example?

When I seek wisdom in others, when I seek to learn more about how someone lives life, the first people I look to are those who seem to be joyful in the world, and to find happiness in the simple fact of existence. Perhaps you've spent so long trying to present a paradigm that you forgot to have enough fun on the way there?

Love,
Rowan

[crazed-lynn.livejournal.com]

My day to day world is filled with goodness and joy.

I am clearly not showing up like that for you, though.

[firecat]

*hugs*

My mantra right now is "be your concentrated essence."

It keeps me really busy, mentally/emotionally/spiritually.