outlier_lynn (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
outlier_lynn) wrote2010-04-19 10:25 am
outlier_lynn) wrote2010-04-19 10:25 am
Entry tags:
Settling (in relationships)
In another forum, a conversation about "settling" came up. There are many ways to "settle" for a relationship.
One way I tried was this: I started a relationship with the first woman who was willing because I was convinced this was my only chance and any relationship was better than none. I have no idea how common this is, but I clearly knew that I was settling for less than I wanted but having no hope of anything better. That was a miserable relationship for both parties.
Then I tried a different way. I fell for someone who looked good on paper and for whom I had a strong attraction. I did not take the time to find out if this person matched the the information I was getting from all sources. It was a pretty good relationship. Only a little disappointment as I slowly began to realize that my assessment was pretty far off from the truth of the matter. I think this method is VERY common. So common, in fact, that most relationship get started this way. We fall for the person as we have created them, not for who they really are in the world. This was pretty good, just not quite good enough and the relationship ended.
Then I tried a third way. In this method, I was not looking. Actively not looking. And when my hormones jumped I refused to pay attention to them. It took me several years of observation to see that Stacey closely matched who I thought she was. Only then, did I entertain the idea of a relationship with her. And then I waited another year during which we worked closely together on a shared project. This relationship is perfect.
The problem with the third way, I think, is that it is difficult for most people to pull off. I had pretty thoroughly stuffed sexual attraction into a dark hole. So I was not being driven by my biology. And I was considerably older this time around, my hormones weren't jumping around quite as wildly.
From my personal experiences and from the many, many stories of relationship collapse I've heard, I think the "normal" way people settle is by not knowing they are settling at the beginning. They are blinded by the rush of feel-good chemicals their bodies are producing. After a few years, they finally figure out the relationship isn't what they thought it was.
One way I tried was this: I started a relationship with the first woman who was willing because I was convinced this was my only chance and any relationship was better than none. I have no idea how common this is, but I clearly knew that I was settling for less than I wanted but having no hope of anything better. That was a miserable relationship for both parties.
Then I tried a different way. I fell for someone who looked good on paper and for whom I had a strong attraction. I did not take the time to find out if this person matched the the information I was getting from all sources. It was a pretty good relationship. Only a little disappointment as I slowly began to realize that my assessment was pretty far off from the truth of the matter. I think this method is VERY common. So common, in fact, that most relationship get started this way. We fall for the person as we have created them, not for who they really are in the world. This was pretty good, just not quite good enough and the relationship ended.
Then I tried a third way. In this method, I was not looking. Actively not looking. And when my hormones jumped I refused to pay attention to them. It took me several years of observation to see that Stacey closely matched who I thought she was. Only then, did I entertain the idea of a relationship with her. And then I waited another year during which we worked closely together on a shared project. This relationship is perfect.
The problem with the third way, I think, is that it is difficult for most people to pull off. I had pretty thoroughly stuffed sexual attraction into a dark hole. So I was not being driven by my biology. And I was considerably older this time around, my hormones weren't jumping around quite as wildly.
From my personal experiences and from the many, many stories of relationship collapse I've heard, I think the "normal" way people settle is by not knowing they are settling at the beginning. They are blinded by the rush of feel-good chemicals their bodies are producing. After a few years, they finally figure out the relationship isn't what they thought it was.