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My knee is still sore... Well not sore. That isn't quite the feeling. It is painful. Yes, I think that is more accurate. But I don't think it woke me up through the night.
This morning I'm taking care of a few chores and then a day of Little Shop rehearsals.
It is interesting that I have to breathe away the surge of adrenaline every time I must learn something new. It only happens when I must learn something new. For awhile I was separating physical from intellectual stuff, but that was some kind of silly scam I was pulling on myself.
I have a very strong fear reaction to failing to learn. Not to fucking up some time after I've learned something, but of failing to learn it in the first place.
That's the first time I've thought of it in that way. It makes perfect sense.
First grade. Vocabulary work. Two columns on a sheet of paper. The first column was a list of words, the second a set of pictures. Draw a line from the word to the picture it represents. I never missed one, but my lines where offset to the right by an inch or so. This was how they determined (finally) I had vision problems. But I was subject to public ridicule for my lines.
Second grade. Art. Use clay and make an animal. I made a snake. I was proud of my snake. The teacher humiliated me for something. Maybe lazy or not trying. I don't remember. I just remember seeing my snake go back into the bad of clay. And I remember being taken to the principles office where my mother was called. Public humiliation and private whipping. That was not such a good day.
Third grade. Music. Piano teacher told me to give up. I had no chance of ever playing an instrument. I was hopeless.
Four grade. Private School. Missouri Synod Lutheran. I'm sure they thought it was an oversight that "Spare the rod; spoil the child" wasn't actually in the Bible. For three years, I was whipped daily at school (with a pointer) and home for failing to recite correctly on the first attempt the Bible verse I was to have memorized.
The possibility of getting it wrong on the first try causes adrenaline to flow. And I have to breathe through it until t is gone.
This has wider ramifications that I noticed at first. Hmm. Ties up my fear of public humiliation, the difficulty I have in asking for anything, and my general paranoia.
God, I'm so glad this doesn't completely stop me from taking actions anymore!
This morning I'm taking care of a few chores and then a day of Little Shop rehearsals.
It is interesting that I have to breathe away the surge of adrenaline every time I must learn something new. It only happens when I must learn something new. For awhile I was separating physical from intellectual stuff, but that was some kind of silly scam I was pulling on myself.
I have a very strong fear reaction to failing to learn. Not to fucking up some time after I've learned something, but of failing to learn it in the first place.
That's the first time I've thought of it in that way. It makes perfect sense.
First grade. Vocabulary work. Two columns on a sheet of paper. The first column was a list of words, the second a set of pictures. Draw a line from the word to the picture it represents. I never missed one, but my lines where offset to the right by an inch or so. This was how they determined (finally) I had vision problems. But I was subject to public ridicule for my lines.
Second grade. Art. Use clay and make an animal. I made a snake. I was proud of my snake. The teacher humiliated me for something. Maybe lazy or not trying. I don't remember. I just remember seeing my snake go back into the bad of clay. And I remember being taken to the principles office where my mother was called. Public humiliation and private whipping. That was not such a good day.
Third grade. Music. Piano teacher told me to give up. I had no chance of ever playing an instrument. I was hopeless.
Four grade. Private School. Missouri Synod Lutheran. I'm sure they thought it was an oversight that "Spare the rod; spoil the child" wasn't actually in the Bible. For three years, I was whipped daily at school (with a pointer) and home for failing to recite correctly on the first attempt the Bible verse I was to have memorized.
The possibility of getting it wrong on the first try causes adrenaline to flow. And I have to breathe through it until t is gone.
This has wider ramifications that I noticed at first. Hmm. Ties up my fear of public humiliation, the difficulty I have in asking for anything, and my general paranoia.
God, I'm so glad this doesn't completely stop me from taking actions anymore!