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The love of money is the root of all evil.
That may or may not be so, but I have the other problem. I hate money. I have some crappy story going about money. I hate it, I hate what one has to do to get it, I hate the capitalist economic system.
I've looked at this problem for years. I've tried every tool I know to crack it and it just sits there like a rock in the pit of my stomach.
I have a lousy attitude about jobs but only when I think about getting paid. I don't mind working -- I love working. As soon as "compensation" is mentioned, I suddenly hate what I'm doing. I hate enough to stop doing it.
I have to break this pretence. I am held in the grip of a story about money that I have convinced myself is God's Truth. (And we all know what kinds of disasters come from knowing God's Truth.)
Okay. If my hatred of getting paid is a lie. It is covering up some fear of mine that I haven't been willing to face. And, apparently, I'm still not willing to see. I think it has something to do with feeling incompetent, but it seems too removed from the story. In any event, I have a vicious circle going.
It's an old story, too. I remember thinking I would someday finish school then starve to death. I was 7 or 8 when I thought that. And I hated school from that point on. Through high school, I was sure that I was learning nothing of value and would not be able to get or hold a job and I would starve to death on the street.
I joined the Navy partly because they tend to not fire people. And one gets paid even if one isn't producing anything. For that 20 years, in my thinking, the money I received once a month had nothing to do with the work I was doing.
Since retiring from the Navy, I've held one "real" job. And I HATED it. The conversation around SAIC was always about money. How much one was getting paid, how much one was charging the customer, when the next raise would happen, how big was the stock option bonus, etc., etc., etc. Drove me crazy.
As an art model, I am back to having the money I earn be separate from the work. The money arrives in the mail as if it were manna from heaven. Just like my Navy pay.
Now I'm in business for myself and I'm being slow as molasses about finding clients. I think it has a lot to do with feeling like I shouldn't be charging money for my services or time. It ties what I am doing to money way to tightly.
What is it that has me despise the idea of receiving money for my work? Why does that land in my ears like forced whoring?
This one is really big in my life. It has shaped my political thinking, my attitudes about family, my thoughts on obligations, even my thoughts on romantic partnerships.
This conversation about money is ruining my life and I'm sick to death of it. Ignoring it hasn't worked.
And all the work I've done to uncover and vanquish the "fraud" feelings I have has not dented this conversation one little bit. I had thought that my feeling like a fraud was at the bottom of my money issue, but it just doesn't seem related.
Bah. Fuck. Bah.
That may or may not be so, but I have the other problem. I hate money. I have some crappy story going about money. I hate it, I hate what one has to do to get it, I hate the capitalist economic system.
I've looked at this problem for years. I've tried every tool I know to crack it and it just sits there like a rock in the pit of my stomach.
I have a lousy attitude about jobs but only when I think about getting paid. I don't mind working -- I love working. As soon as "compensation" is mentioned, I suddenly hate what I'm doing. I hate enough to stop doing it.
I have to break this pretence. I am held in the grip of a story about money that I have convinced myself is God's Truth. (And we all know what kinds of disasters come from knowing God's Truth.)
Okay. If my hatred of getting paid is a lie. It is covering up some fear of mine that I haven't been willing to face. And, apparently, I'm still not willing to see. I think it has something to do with feeling incompetent, but it seems too removed from the story. In any event, I have a vicious circle going.
It's an old story, too. I remember thinking I would someday finish school then starve to death. I was 7 or 8 when I thought that. And I hated school from that point on. Through high school, I was sure that I was learning nothing of value and would not be able to get or hold a job and I would starve to death on the street.
I joined the Navy partly because they tend to not fire people. And one gets paid even if one isn't producing anything. For that 20 years, in my thinking, the money I received once a month had nothing to do with the work I was doing.
Since retiring from the Navy, I've held one "real" job. And I HATED it. The conversation around SAIC was always about money. How much one was getting paid, how much one was charging the customer, when the next raise would happen, how big was the stock option bonus, etc., etc., etc. Drove me crazy.
As an art model, I am back to having the money I earn be separate from the work. The money arrives in the mail as if it were manna from heaven. Just like my Navy pay.
Now I'm in business for myself and I'm being slow as molasses about finding clients. I think it has a lot to do with feeling like I shouldn't be charging money for my services or time. It ties what I am doing to money way to tightly.
What is it that has me despise the idea of receiving money for my work? Why does that land in my ears like forced whoring?
This one is really big in my life. It has shaped my political thinking, my attitudes about family, my thoughts on obligations, even my thoughts on romantic partnerships.
This conversation about money is ruining my life and I'm sick to death of it. Ignoring it hasn't worked.
And all the work I've done to uncover and vanquish the "fraud" feelings I have has not dented this conversation one little bit. I had thought that my feeling like a fraud was at the bottom of my money issue, but it just doesn't seem related.
Bah. Fuck. Bah.