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outlier_lynn

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December 30th, 2004

outlier_lynn: (Default)
Thursday, December 30th, 2004 09:57 am
I guess I'm not meant to sleep. Well, at least not for more than 15-20 minutes at a time.

It's all mental. I'm rereading a book I know well so that there is no element of suspense or anticipation. I fall asleep with the book in my hand. Less than 20 minutes later I'm awake with my mind already engaged in a worrisome conversation. I toss and turn.

I notice every ache and pain. I notice every wrinkle in the sheet. I notice where my covers feel heavy and where they don't. I can't get comfortable in any position. I grab the book. In 10 minutes, I'm falling asleep again.

If I put the book down, take off my glasses and turn out the light, I'm awake again.

I'm getting a little tired of this. Okay. I'm a lot tired of it. :)
outlier_lynn: (Default)
Thursday, December 30th, 2004 11:04 am
As I was standing in the shower just now being reminded by my knee that it's still angry, I remembered the first time I hurt it. For some reason I keep forgetting it. I keep thinking that the first damage was 10ish years ago in a dancing accident.

But, no. I was freshman in high school -- 14 years old. My family had just moved to Auburn, California. I met a pretty girl and was at her farm house in early October. She and I were in the barn jumping from the empty hay loft (40 feet high) into huge mounds of hay. She was better at than I was, she could turn flips in the air before she hit. I could just barely land on my backside every time.

The hay was piled up in a long row. Maybe 20 feet tall and 50 feet long. Outside the barn was a covered area with several hundred bales of hay. As we flattened areas of the hay mountain, we moved along it. What we didn't know was that the end of the mountain nearest the outdoor bales wasn't a loose hay.

It was a bit of loose hay over the top of bales. We both jumped -- feet first. She landed in the loose hay. My right half landed in the loose hay. My left half sank about a foot into the loose hay and found the bales. I pulled tendons and tore ligaments in my ankle, knee and hip. The worst damage was my knee.

I was on crutches for six or seven months. (It did get me out of jROTC!)

And that was the start of my problems with my left knee.

She didn't speak to me much after that. Just before my family moved away almost two years later, she told me that she couldn't bear the guilt about my injuries. I can't picture her or remember her name. But had those bales not been there, other fun and interesting events were likely in that mountain of loose hay. I do remember thinking she was beautiful.
outlier_lynn: (Default)
Thursday, December 30th, 2004 06:47 pm
It is really comfortable to rest secure in the knowledge that I know exactly who I am. Really comfortable.

And when I am feeling that comfortable, I know I've nestled down into a warm and cozy pile of rhino droppings.

It may be warm and soft, but you know something stinks.

The person I get to be is not the person I say I am. It's not my identity that matters when I interact with my communities. It's not my opinion of my skills and weaknesses. It's the collective opinion of my community.

It is far less comfortable most of the time. But the air generally doesn't smell as bad.
outlier_lynn: (Default)
Thursday, December 30th, 2004 09:49 pm
Sleep refuses to visit for more than about 3 minutes. I can't keep my mind distracted long enough to fall away from conscious thoughts. I am not happy about this. I am most unhappy with where my mind goes and the thoughts it chooses to occupy itself with.

I am being consumed by foolish fantasy. Foolish flights into unreality and magic.

I hate this.