Bah.

Okay. I am at a loss. My eating is totally out of control. I'm digging around, questioning the usual suspects.

I am declaring a breakdown. (A Landmark 'tool').

What's missing the presence of which will make a difference? And..
What structure do I need to put in place to clean up my integrity.

Enough.

Law Suits

Two suits have now been filed to stop vote counting and to disallow the write-in candidacy of Donna Frye. The conservatives are frightened of her. Well, she would definitely be a "citizen mayor." She is not well educated and hasn't got her finger on the political pulse of anything. It will be interesting around town if she wins. Mostly because she will have "strong mayor" powers.

But, it's not the political consequences of these suits that bother me. It's the legal issue and the continued push by the far right to alter the way Americans think of their civil liberties.

The suits both charge that write-ins are not allowed in the general election because the City Charter does not expressly allow them. The City Charter doesn't mention write-ins at all. The muni codes do, however.

THIS SHOULD BE A NON ISSUE. I hate that it's a tactic. I hope every judge looks at it and laughs the plainent right out of court!

Early Warning System

I'd love it if changes in my eating patterns were an early warning system, but it's not. In fact, if something is affecting me to the point where I'm stuffing my face uncontrollably, it's anything be "early" in the effect.

Here's the emotions that come up. Hopelessness. Frustration. Anger. Self-loathing. Hate. Helplessness.

And the problem? The issue that has triggered this round? I am not completely sure, but I think the familiar mix of emotions is the recipe for money issues. And that is always a security issue.

At one point yesterday, Michelle pointed out that a lot of my humor had the taint of bitterness. It struck a cord immediately.

I'm allowing my circumstances to eat at me nibble by nibble. And feeling trapped and abused.

Other people's secrets keep me from specifics, but I know what has me upset and worried right now. I'm not sure if that alone is what has caused the change in my eating habits.

Dinner

Yeah, I know. More food themes. :)

Well, not really. I went to a midnight supper with Aeire. I was talking about my day with Michelle, Jim, Pat, Jonathon and Suzanne. And a realization rolled over me like fog off dry ice.

I was sitting in a group of people who (from my point of view) mature, successful, educated, bright, loving and socially liberal. The conversation was grounded strongly in both science and art.

It is a level of discourse that has been absent in my life for a very, very long time. Years and years and years. It was not driven. It wandered over many topics. Lightly touching down on "dangerous topics" and moving on.

When I envision my future and the communities I inhabit, that's the mood and feel. That's what it is I want. And that's what has habitually not been present.

It is also why I love modeling for the professional artists. They are all well educated with an eye for what is outside the lines. They are playing at the edges of their lives and they are pushing, expanding and playing.

It is possible that many others I know are pushing the edges of their lives, too, and I am not noticing because they have started so small that nothing they are doing seems edgy to me. This is very likely.

There is a Dr. Hook song that I really like. "A Couple More Years." A relationship has failed because the singer is just marking time waiting for the soon to be ex to catch up. If I generalize this just a bit, I can see why I love it so much.

Off topic. There are two other songs I love on the Dr. Hook CD I have. "The Cover of the Rolling Stone" is one. Great song. Fun. And "I Couldn't Believe." That is a lusty love song that fueled a lot of Wanna Be in me.

Hmm. I wonder if Cover of the Rolling Stones would make a good preshow? No. Same problem. The audience would probably be bored to death. :)

Ah ha!

Here's what is going on for me.

I'm feeling threatened on a survival level by what I have "named" irresponsibility in others on which I have some level of dependency. Not only have I named it irresponsible, but I've created dependencies where none exist.

That's what is generating the low-level angst, the general upset and the mounting frustration.

And I'm eating like a bear so I'll have a fat reserve. :)

Crap.

I just don't seem to learn a good goddamn thing. Even after I have told myself over and over and over to not use more than one update method, I let myself be talked into trying a new one.

Good arguements used. Really.

And it broke my live journal client and uninstalled my email client.

I don't know what other damage it did.

Crap. CRAP!

Thunderbird it is

Okay, then.  I'm glad I started the shift to Thunderbird recently.  I had exported my evolutioin address book, but hadn't imported it into thunderbird yet.

Now that is done.  There are a few things I'm not happy about in the setup yet.  But I'll clean that up tomorrow.

Computers suck.

The good news, though, is that the latest gaim is up and running on my machine.  That I think is a very good thing.