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One is minor, but good. :) I went to sleep at around midnight. I just really woke up now. A long night for me. I've been about half awake and in and out of sleep for for several hours, but I like that feeling too. Lots of dreams in that space.
The other is an ah-ha moment. One of the dreams was really a memory. In a more awake moment, I was thinking about Jan. My thoughts wandered over our time together and the experiences I would not have had except for her.
That led me along a trail of thinking about all the sexual stuff I was exposed to because of her. Body electric, HAI and sex parties. I was watching a mental slide show. :)
I settled on a few HAI experiences and exercises in which I was most uncomfortable. (Even in my half dreaming state, I want to understand why I get uncomfortable.)
And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I've had a long standing story about not asking for what I want that started as "I don't know what I want." (I love playing the confused game sometimes. :) What is really going on, though, is that I am quite certain that I will be judged lame for wanting what I want so I feel compelled to dress it up in sexy clothes. As soon as I do that, I can't ask for what I want. I've saddled it with a lot of stuff I don't want.
And I dress it all up publicly so I won't look lame. Then I'm stuck. Sometimes trapped.
It's something like telling the whole world that my favorite food is a banana split when all I really want or like is the cherry. If I ask for the banana split in order to get the cherry, the person providing the banana split is going end up unhappy and I'm going to have to deal with the ice cream, banana, syrup and whipped cream just a moment of cherriness. And that makes the cherry a little pleasure for a lot of work. I've lived a life of "not worth the effort" and I never quite understood why until JUST NOW as I'm editing this post.
This describes every romantic relationship I've been in and most of my "friendships."
I've tended to make passing desire sound like the be all and end all of my life. And, worse, I've pretended desire for things that fascinate me in others but hold nothing for me. It is why I am a giver and not a receiver. I can fake any emotion when giving.
This runs across the board in my life, but this morning, this mule train got started thinking about a romantic partner then turned to sex. I am captivated by human sexuality, lust, pleasure. But not 'cause I want any of it. I'm just fascinated by it in other people. To make sure I'm not lame in the eyes of others, I talk about the greatness of sexual activity as if it's an important part of my life. It's no part of my life. At least not in a positive way.
I was talking to a bdsm friend recently about why I like topping. When I said it was not erotic/sexual for me, he looked like I'd just killed his puppy and didn't believe it. It's great that it's sexual for the bottom and I'll help stir up that energy if the bottom wants, but it's not what I'm getting for myself. It's heresy, but bdsm isn't sexual for me.
However, I have USED pretended sexual interest to try for what I want over the years. I'm practiced at it an I've been unconscious about it for many years now. I thought I had given it up!
For everyone who has been kicked by my mule, I'm sorry. I suspect it has been awful for you all. It's not been all that great for me, either.
I wonder if I would ever have seen this if I hadn't found something that I really have some powerful juice for. Something that matches what I want with what I think I want and what I say I want. Yes, that would be Rocky Horror Picture Show -- and more precisely, Crazed Imaginations.
Oh, a side note, I've been getting the cherry a lot lately. What's the cherry? Physical signs of affection. Thanks everyone who is contributing. :)
I especially want to thank the one person who has been severely kicked by my mule and has still offered affection. Love is. I'm honored. And I feel like an utter fool.
Love.
The other is an ah-ha moment. One of the dreams was really a memory. In a more awake moment, I was thinking about Jan. My thoughts wandered over our time together and the experiences I would not have had except for her.
That led me along a trail of thinking about all the sexual stuff I was exposed to because of her. Body electric, HAI and sex parties. I was watching a mental slide show. :)
I settled on a few HAI experiences and exercises in which I was most uncomfortable. (Even in my half dreaming state, I want to understand why I get uncomfortable.)
And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I've had a long standing story about not asking for what I want that started as "I don't know what I want." (I love playing the confused game sometimes. :) What is really going on, though, is that I am quite certain that I will be judged lame for wanting what I want so I feel compelled to dress it up in sexy clothes. As soon as I do that, I can't ask for what I want. I've saddled it with a lot of stuff I don't want.
And I dress it all up publicly so I won't look lame. Then I'm stuck. Sometimes trapped.
It's something like telling the whole world that my favorite food is a banana split when all I really want or like is the cherry. If I ask for the banana split in order to get the cherry, the person providing the banana split is going end up unhappy and I'm going to have to deal with the ice cream, banana, syrup and whipped cream just a moment of cherriness. And that makes the cherry a little pleasure for a lot of work. I've lived a life of "not worth the effort" and I never quite understood why until JUST NOW as I'm editing this post.
This describes every romantic relationship I've been in and most of my "friendships."
I've tended to make passing desire sound like the be all and end all of my life. And, worse, I've pretended desire for things that fascinate me in others but hold nothing for me. It is why I am a giver and not a receiver. I can fake any emotion when giving.
This runs across the board in my life, but this morning, this mule train got started thinking about a romantic partner then turned to sex. I am captivated by human sexuality, lust, pleasure. But not 'cause I want any of it. I'm just fascinated by it in other people. To make sure I'm not lame in the eyes of others, I talk about the greatness of sexual activity as if it's an important part of my life. It's no part of my life. At least not in a positive way.
I was talking to a bdsm friend recently about why I like topping. When I said it was not erotic/sexual for me, he looked like I'd just killed his puppy and didn't believe it. It's great that it's sexual for the bottom and I'll help stir up that energy if the bottom wants, but it's not what I'm getting for myself. It's heresy, but bdsm isn't sexual for me.
However, I have USED pretended sexual interest to try for what I want over the years. I'm practiced at it an I've been unconscious about it for many years now. I thought I had given it up!
For everyone who has been kicked by my mule, I'm sorry. I suspect it has been awful for you all. It's not been all that great for me, either.
I wonder if I would ever have seen this if I hadn't found something that I really have some powerful juice for. Something that matches what I want with what I think I want and what I say I want. Yes, that would be Rocky Horror Picture Show -- and more precisely, Crazed Imaginations.
Oh, a side note, I've been getting the cherry a lot lately. What's the cherry? Physical signs of affection. Thanks everyone who is contributing. :)
I especially want to thank the one person who has been severely kicked by my mule and has still offered affection. Love is. I'm honored. And I feel like an utter fool.
Love.