calm

I'm feeling calm and collected. Filled with love.

And as I think back over the last three days, I'm thinking that it was a really STRANGE 72 hours.

The last time I had such strong highs and lows in that length of time it was the result of drugs. I'm not doing those drugs now.

It seems to be over. And I can't be happier about it.

I don't like feeling out of control. Either manic or depressed. But for Sunday night, all day Monday and Tuesday, I felt completely at the whim of emotional tides that didn't seem to follow any pattern.

Hmm. On Sunday, I had an allergy attack that didn't stop until today. I stayed on my antihistamine for the last three days. That might have wired me up.

I'll go with that as a working theory and watch for the pattern in the future.

QTIP

For about 10 years, I've been living in the Quit Taking It Personally world. I rarely have my feelings hurt and even more rarely have that feeling last more than an instant.

It's been long enough that I sometimes forget that others don't live there. I was caught off guard on this issue yesterday.

Someone I know made a LJ mistake. A short post in the wrong (public) journal. It was a post in which I figured as the key player. It would have been quite easy to make it mean all sorts of bad things about me.

I gave it a meaning that meant nothing about me. Turns out my meaning was wasn't what was meant. However, what was meant wasn't anything bad about me, either.

It would have been easy to have been hurt by that post. I would have been years ago. Now it was easy to not be hurt by that post.

QTIP wasn't something I learned in Landmark Education. :) I learned that nugget staffing Human Awareness Institute workshops.

People react to what they perceive is true rather than what is objectively true. Sometimes the subjective and objective match. Rarely, but sometimes.

The post that ended up in the wrong journal had everything to do with the poster and nothing to do with me. And that is mostly the way with the world. And why QTIP is a great thing to learn.

Love.

Another look at HAI

I've been evaluating my participation in the Human Awareness Institute lately. I have reasons for being less involved recently and my focus might not align with HAI's focus sufficiently for my previous depth of involvement.

That said, I had reason this morning to review the workshop descriptions of HAI's Love, Intimacy and sexuality series.

I am inspired again. :)

I've lived for extended times without love in my heart and extended times with love overflowing. Not just romantic love (although I have experienced that, too), but love without qualifications. The core of love that rests in the center of parent-child love or love between siblings and friends. It's pure and vital. There are no strings and it weathers all storms.

It is elusive. Our internal monologue denies it's existence. Left to our own devices, we experience it rarely. We can, however, experience it nearly all the time. I know that to be true because I can put myself in that place almost as quickly as turning on a light in a dark room.

And the HAI series is very specific training in getting out one's head and into one's heart. Level 1 is called "The Miracle of Love." Beneath our superficial judgements of worthiness, beyond our definitions of attractive and regardless of our sexual interest in other people exists the commonality of our humanity. It is the essence of being that can create love over a weekend. Our attitudes about people can never be the same.

I love my life, I love my friends. And I love you.

Integrity

One of the definitions of integrity is the quality or state of being complete or undivided as quoted from the on-line Merriam-Webster dictionary.

That meaning is usually applied to machinery of some sort. But what if it were applied to a human being?

What is possible if we consider ourselves whole and complete? What is possible if two people who are whole and complete interact?

What is there to hide if one has integrity? What is there to fear in the language of another? What is there to deny or defend against?

What would stand in the way of love for one's self and for others? What would stand in the way of tolerance?

If we start with a premise (not necessarily true, but it might be) that everyone is whole and complete and fully self expressed. What barriers have we created to stop us from expressing?

What walls do we build that prevent us from saying "I love you" or "I think you are HOT!" or asking another person for help or asking someone to just listen as we grieve.

If we are whole and complete why do we insist on pretending we are above the worries and concerns that come with being human. What prevents us from opening our mouths?

What reasons do we create? Why do we create them? And how can we dump the ballast and get up a good head of steam? :)

Ponder that.

If life is a conversation and nothing is wrong, what's possible?

Love.

Well, poo.

They came for the Honda. Nobody asked me about body damage on the phone. I didn't $125 for it. I got $75.

Neither amount is very much, but somehow, $75 seems like a tragic amount. Hell, the tires are brand new and the drive train is in great shape.

Sigh. Well. It's done.