(no subject)

Back from Santa Cruz. That was a bit surreal. Jo's kids are getting her a computer. About time. I don't seem to use the US Postal Service and I don't seem to phone. I do seem to use email.

As I was sitting before the casket (A shiny bronze that Bill would have liked), listening to the priest, I thought about the meaning Bill created for his life.

He was mostly manic unless something broke his routine. While manic, life occurs grandiose, perfect and anything is possible even the most improbable things. It is a child's view of the universe.

A child might not have the experience of reality strongly enough to sort out that which is real in the physical world and that which is only real with consensus, but there s a kind of beauty to their "truth."

In his illness, Bill brought a gift to many people. He befriended the friendless and often saw them as wonderful human beings while the rest of the world saw them as hopeless, helpless and disposable. Mom used to complain that he was too trusting. Maybe, but there were hundreds of people who experienced love in a way they might not otherwise.

The other group that Bill influenced were the "normal" folks. Maybe less so in the last five years when his paranoia was winning out, but earlier in his life, he evoked great compassion from people. Not pity, but compassion. Many, many people were moved to action on my brother's behalf.

He gave a great gift to many people. He was cool that way.

And "biker" Bill is going to have a motorcycle on his headstone. That works!

(no subject)

Last night was Rocky Vomit. Random draw for parts just before the show. Even the worst performance was decent. I was a Sexy Lighting Bitch for the show. That's semi-private.

It was odd being at the show. I sped all the way from Santa Cruz to get to the show. I thought that I needed to be surrounded by my cast to put "normal" back into my life.

It didn't feel normal. :( It seemed louder than usual and I had some trouble concentrating on language. No trouble running the spot (even with unpredictable blocking), but my environment seemed intolerably loud with background noise making most conversations difficult.

I think there were three contributing factors. I was not entirely present in the moment, especially at Denny's. I was looking for a little comfort, I guess, and was not really getting much. No reason for anyone to give more than they did, though. Another factor was the internal dialogue that ran for two days. A lot of hours alone in the car means lots of communications with myself in my own shorthand language. My translators weren't tuned to other people. The third and most pedantic factor is the noisy environment that is my little car. It is very likely that my ability to hear well was compromised last night.

One thing that I am clearly aware of this morning, my communities are so different one from another that I am amazed at my comfort from one to another.

What is left of my birth family (that would be my sister and me) are very different people. We do not share a common religion nor do we share a common religious history. I am pretty sure that my politics are so much farther left than hers that it would be tough to find much to agree one without reservation. I think we probably have extremely different views on love, intimacy and sexuality.

Except for common people in our lives, we don't really seem to be from the same family. That is a odd feeling.

Being with her, her daughters and their fellas, and my Aunt Sue, though, I realized that my sister (is not a blood relation to my father) is more like the Dobbs clan that I am. I share some traits with that clan, but my life has been so different from theirs, that I can identify with them in a second hand sort of way.

Sue reminded me that of my father's 10 brothers and sisters, only 3 remain: Sue, Jack and Allen. I'll be making a trip up for a mini family gathering in May or June. Don't know if Jack will be there, but if not, I'll make a special trip later to see him.

It has been many, many years since I have seen either of them. I am quite sure I won't recognize either.

Then there is my Rocky community. Very broad spectrum of folks in that community, but there is a common thread or feel that is far different than my family or origin or the extended family.

And my HAI community. Very educated, for the most part. Doctorates all over the place. A whole community created to promote love and intimacy. Touchy-feelly group.

And my Landmark community. Another eclectic crowd, but folks interested in the power of self creation and generation.

I move easily in and out of these three groups. This is not how I thought my life would ever be.

I love my life.

(no subject)

Fired up up my mail client. 500 spam messages. 375 or so caught by spamassassin. 3 real emails.

Makes me want to puke. Time to push Congress for some meaningful spam legislation.

The real solution to spam, though, is a technology fix. It would require a short but painful transition, but well worth it, I think.

And massive fines for any company operating in the US who uses spam/bulk email or contracts it out.

Or maybe just breaking their kneecaps?