(no subject)

What is so, is so. No amount of wanting it to be a different way does anything at all to change what is so.

I've made a decision. I can tell I've made it because I'm trying to talk myself out of it. But I think I've made up my mind just so I won't be faced with the question any longer. I know that doesn't work, though.

The good news is that until I say it out loud to the right people, I can still change my mind. So nothing is being said by me that might really kill off the alternatives.

And while this is going on, unhappiness will visit. It's actually sitting on my chest at the moment.

It is sucking the joy out of everything I love most dearly. And it is distancing me from the people I love. It is part of the problem and it is part of the solution. And that sucks.

It also means I have to get off my fat ass and start having the interviews -- very, very soon.

Secrets suck

Coaching doesn't.

Pulled layers off the sadness until I uncovered the "what's missing" at the bottom of it. Even figured out why the internal dialogue has been louder than normal.

Yes. All the old conversations about worthiness and lovability are pounding loudly in my ears. All related to the feeling of being used.

An impromptu conversation with one of the coaches on my SELP coaching staff bubbled it all up. The current set of conversations in my head are all distractions from the real conversation.

I keep selling myself out. Exactly one profession has ever excited me -- teaching. In any of a dozen different modes that I can think of, it is what I want to do above all else.

In the last five years, I have seen several ways I could indulge myself and earn a modest living. I have let myself be talked out of those ideas. "It can't be done" and "There is no money in it" are the two loudest reactions.

Both are clearly bullshit -- there are people creating and delivering seminars all over the place and they are making money at it. They aren't getting rich, but that is not my goal.

I have more than enough evidence that I am a very, very good seminar leader, teacher and coach. It is where all the "move, touch and inspire" lives for me.

And it is what I'm going to do.

The "decision" I made is moot. The original options aren't on the table any longer.

Now a plan. This week's task is a plan, a possibility and many conversations.

I no longer feel the need to run away. This is good.

peer pressure

We almost never hear that phrase used to mean anything good. Have you noticed that?

It is, however, exactly how most of us live our lives. We accept that which our peers say and do. In any group, the rules of acceptable behavior is a commonly developed code of conduct. The general enforcement mechanism is peer pressure.

There is nothing wrong with peer pressure. It can be the source of all that is great within us. It can be the source of excellent decision making. It can also be the source of personal destruction. It isn't the peer pressure, it's the common code of a peer group that may or may not be problematic.

The mantra "Question Authority" isn't limited to questioning parents or governments or employers. Expanded to include the authority we grant to those in our communities to fashion our beliefs and to steer our behaviors, we can get the sense of power that we each have to take control of our lives.

We can use peer pressure to our benefit. We can pick and choose which bit of pressure might serve us and which to ignore. More importantly, we can be community leaders, and through engaging conversation, we can alter the common code of our communities.

We can create a code that inspires and emboldens community members. We can create code in which everyone prospers.

I've been a bit week in questioning authority for the last two months. I am the umpire of my life. And it "ain't nothing until I call it."

Just in case any one reading this didn't know. I love you. Count on it.

(no subject)

Wednesday at 7pm, in the fair city of San Diego, CA.

If you are in San Diego, I have an evening's entertainment for you. Just over three hours. Costs nothing. Carries no obligation. It's an opportunity to learn about the Landmark Forum from a Landmark Forum leader.

When you read the last paragraph, what was your reaction and thoughts? Maybe something cynical? "What is he pushing now" or "My life is fine, why does he think I need this?" These were my first reactions when I heard about Landmark Education.

Notice what came up for you. Did it sound familiar? Was it something that comes up in many different parts of your life? If you have a look around your life -- home, work, friends -- you might find some pretty routine thoughts. Maybe those thoughts start with "Yeah, but..."

I invite you to not listen to those thoughts this time. Just for one evening, lay those thoughts aside. Come listen to a Landmark Forum leader share the value of this unique training. Listen for applicability in your life.

Landmark programs are not designed to fix you or change you or, even, make your life different. It is a powerful inquiry into life. It is designed to give you access and control over habitual ways of being.

If there are any areas of your life in which you feel powerless, always cause upset, never quite get off the ground or always turn out the same, then you will receive a lot of value for your three hours.

So, if you have three hours available on Wednesday night, March 11, 2004, come take a peek at what extraordinary living can look like.

See you there!

Landmark Education Center
4877 Viewridge Avenue
San Diego, CA 92123
1-858-636-5050

Balboa exit off I-15, west one block. right on Viewridge.

cynacism and despair

When they visit, my world goes upside down. This time, though, I got the bottom of the bottle cleared of sludge. It might be awhile before it shows up again. :)

Good news. In fact very good news.

Crush energy is flowing through my veins. Oh yes. And love. Lots of love. I'm singing in the rain, just singing in the rain. Look out, you could be the next victim of Lynn Love. :)

Do overs on all my most recent painful decisions. :)

Life is green again.

I can, in fact, have anything I want in my life. Really. I can see clearly now. :)

Suffering is optional and I refuse to be caught up in anyone's insistence that it is required. Try as one might, no body is going to rain on my parade.

Still, however, I need to have interviews with people in my cast. As many as will agree.

(no subject)

For anyone I've left dazed or confused by the last weeks' flurry of posts, I am sorry.

For anyone who thinks I have been angry with them or in some negative judgement about them, I am sorry. Neither is true.

For anyone wondering if I'm okay or if I've gone over the edge. I am and I haven't.

Just having some growing pain. I'm just happy as hell that one area of my life was working or this drip into the gutter could have been very costly.

(no subject)

Had I hung around Bourbon Street after the show on Monday night, I would have quit cast. As it is, I debated it all the way home. I sat in front of my computer and cried as I made changes to the cast home pages.

I was very, very close to leaving San Diego county.

I was lost in frustration and unable to put my finger on the cause. Every little trivial bit of nothing loomed large and impossible to deal with.

Monday night was the turning point. The idea of leaving cast was just one too many losses. One too many irreplaceable communities to leave behind in a fit of despair.

It opened the floodgates. What was I really wanting to leave?

That's a conversation I started today. It didn't go well. It started a fight. But I got my head clear about WHY I wanted to leave. I no longer have a loss of power there. I'll have that conversation in the next week. And I start putting my life together on my terms right now.

I'm pretty sure I've left a few people upset and worried. That is one consequence of selling out. I'm embarrassed for the meanness that kept me from speaking up on that score.

I remember my SELP interview with taintedimage last year. When I asked her what my weaknesses were, she had one that I couldn't forget. She said I give myself away.

When she said it, I tended to dismiss it. I thought I knew what she meant. And it is possible that she was looking at something completely different. But I have never forgotten that -- I may never forget it.

It has kept the notion alive. And now I can see how I can be enrolled in giving myself away. And I did exactly that. Had nothing to do with cast. Had nothing to do with anyone she even knows.

But everyone got to feel the side effects. I was completely blind to it. I might never have seen it if taintedimage hadn't put the bug in my ear about it. Thank you, Sweetie. You have made a profound difference in my life. Just that one little answer that you were a bit reluctant to give. It was brilliant and you were brave.

I'm pretty sure that pdi, aeire and lizetta have been wondering what the hell was going on.

Forgive me for being a poopyhead.

I love you. A lot. I'm not going anywhere. (I hope that isn't a disappointment for anyone. :)