Life! Don't talk to me about life....

I am tired. And I got even more tired reading xForums this morning.

I've set up a big game for myself, and playing has many wonderful rewards, but it isn't without it's hardships, heartaches, frustrations and strong moments of profound resignation.

Yeah, I make a difference in people's lives. It is rewarding, but I am feeling very drained.
( Read more... )

An "Ah ha!"

Recently, a fellow passed me a note on his way out of the bar at Monday Night Show Tunes. I was flattered. I don't get hit one much at all. I have been encouraged to call him even though I am not very interested in doing so.

( I just figured out why I'm not. )

Ups, downs and sideways

My life has ups and downs. Just like everyone else.

And I find new hope in the ashes of old dreams. Just like everyone else.

But the world I want to live in seems farther away than ever before.
( Read more... )

This is a tearful day.

I remember New Years Eve, 1959. I thought life would be complete if I could just live to see the year 2000. Forty years seemed like an impossibly long time. I'd be OLD at 51.

When I was 19, I joined the Navy on a six year enlistment. It seemed like a long time. When I had been in the Navy for 10 years, retirement seemed like a long time away. The days ahead seemed to creep up in maddening slowness.

When I left the Navy after 20 years, it just didn't seem like it was that long. When my 17 year marriage ended, it seemed that were brand new lovers just the week before. I've met, married and divorced again and it happened in in the blink of an eye.

Now I'm nearly 54. 15-, maybe, 20-years is about all I can reasonably expect given my family history. And that is no time at all. I don't care that I'll die. Made my peace with death years ago.

But I am acutely aware that I have no time for "someday conversations." No space for "get around to it." Life is happening right now. There's no time for timidity. No time for plausible deniability. No time for wishful thinking. And because I see it so clearly for me, I ache for those who haven't seen it yet. For the regrets they create for themselves by waiting for life to come to them. For the habits of delay that will difficult to break at 54.

My attitude isn't fair to them. Nothing I say will land as useful in their lives. All I can do is work with what is available. Wanting it to be otherwise just puts me back in my own way.

I'll plow the ground and plant the seeds of love, compassion, joy and abundance. I'm just not going to participate in the harvest. And it makes me a little bitter and very impatient. Any farmer will tell you that impatience won't make the corn grow any faster. Knowing that isn't helping, but I was reminded a couple of hours ago, that some fruits ripen early in the growing season.

I'll not see the utopia I want to create. I won't even know if a loving humanity is possible. I won't live in the loving world I envision. But I'll have the love I receive. I'll create whatever I create. I'll be as I be.

Then, I'll die.

So mote it be.