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I remember doing the time warp. No.. wait. What I remember is living a life given by fear. Not just fear, but terror. Everything and nothing was not just a potential threat, but what I perceived as a real threat.
Life occurred to me as ongoing daily threats to my physical safety.
Funny what one's perceptions bring to the table. I used to identify with rape victims who then lived in fear of men and the almost certain future they created of being raped again. In my imagination, it was the physical attack just short of being killed which was my fear.
I felt kindred. I learned pretty damn quick to keep that sentiment to myself, though. It was my experience that a victim of rape would become furious if I even hinted that I understood her pain.
My perception of life was that death was coming soon and that I had little defense. Not just death, but painful, tortured death at the hands of some sick and twisted sadistic bastard who was being urged on to higher feats of madness by a brutal audience.
Yep. That was my life for nearly 20 years. The fear never faded. The story, though, changed from fear of torture and death to a fear of emotional torture and humiliation. And that fear still lives in me. It doesn't have much power anymore, but it can still surface.
My reaction to it has changed. I seldom have my feelings hurt -- although it has happened in the last year more often than in the previous five years. I'm in a tougher crowd now.
What I notice, though, is that I am falling back into a pattern I worked very, very hard to dismantle. I am teasing people.
I declare it done. I will no longer subscribe to the "I tease you because I love you" model. I will love you because I love you. There is nothing bad or wrong about the former model, but it doesn't serve me. There is nothing bad or wrong about people who use the former model, but it doesn't serve me.
I love you because I love you. It is what I choose to do. It is how I choose to be. It is the world I choose to create.
This will not come without a cost. And it will be expensive.
Life occurred to me as ongoing daily threats to my physical safety.
Funny what one's perceptions bring to the table. I used to identify with rape victims who then lived in fear of men and the almost certain future they created of being raped again. In my imagination, it was the physical attack just short of being killed which was my fear.
I felt kindred. I learned pretty damn quick to keep that sentiment to myself, though. It was my experience that a victim of rape would become furious if I even hinted that I understood her pain.
My perception of life was that death was coming soon and that I had little defense. Not just death, but painful, tortured death at the hands of some sick and twisted sadistic bastard who was being urged on to higher feats of madness by a brutal audience.
Yep. That was my life for nearly 20 years. The fear never faded. The story, though, changed from fear of torture and death to a fear of emotional torture and humiliation. And that fear still lives in me. It doesn't have much power anymore, but it can still surface.
My reaction to it has changed. I seldom have my feelings hurt -- although it has happened in the last year more often than in the previous five years. I'm in a tougher crowd now.
What I notice, though, is that I am falling back into a pattern I worked very, very hard to dismantle. I am teasing people.
I declare it done. I will no longer subscribe to the "I tease you because I love you" model. I will love you because I love you. There is nothing bad or wrong about the former model, but it doesn't serve me. There is nothing bad or wrong about people who use the former model, but it doesn't serve me.
I love you because I love you. It is what I choose to do. It is how I choose to be. It is the world I choose to create.
This will not come without a cost. And it will be expensive.