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There is a little something I know about the mass of people. I forget it just a little too often. It recently created unwanted drama in my life. I was reminded when I read a ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
pdi journal entry and reply this morning.
Human beings tend to take things personally. And some people make a career of it. I know a few people who are very, very good at not taking things personally and even they have certain things that get a reaction.
No one can add enough disclaimers to a forum post or a journal entry to warn people that the rest is not personal. In fact, the disclaimers are almost always met with some level of antagonism by a few in the crowd of readers.
It's a filter through which human beings tend to view the world. It's not a bad filter. Very useful, in fact, when one's environment is dangerous. It is a good thing to look at everything in terms of how it will affect one's life.
However, for those many who take everything in the world as a personal affront, I strongly suggest giving that one a rest. I've tried it both ways, and I'll tell you, it is far better to learn QTIP than to suffer along thinking the entire world is lined up to kick in you the butt each time you pass.
QTIP = Quit Taking It Personally.
It is never personal when the traffic light is red or someone cuts you off on the freeway. It is almost never personal when someone doesn't want to date you. (It might be personal if you have a hygiene problem.) In fact, it is rarely all about you when someone dumps you.
I've been dumped twice. Neither time was it about me. The second time, it was very obviously about me.
As much as you are in your head having one-sided conversations, so everyone else is in their head having one-sided conversations.
You would think that with all this drama being created, no one would want to watch the "day time dramas."
Now a word about pain. Especially emotional pain. Human beings are emotional creatures. We come with a full set of expressible emotions. However, over time, we put barriers in the way of our self expression. We learn that there are times when it is not appropriate to express our emotions.
We are lousy at hiding them, though. They leak out in other expressions. One classic subversion is the case where someone gets quieter the more angry they are.
When we put the lid on expression our emotions, we not only have the immediate pain to deal with, but we add suffering to the mix. A value-added offering created in our mind.
For instance, when we fail, we have the immediate disappointment to deal with, then we start making up stories about how we aren't good enough to succeed. The suffering from the those stories is almost always worse than the original pain.
Here is a classic case. A parent, sibling or other person close to us in our lives dies an unexpected death. We have the immediate loss to experience. Our lives have just changed without our permission. There is profound sadness that comes from irrevocable change -- never getting to talk to that person again, for instance -- then we add anger and being dealt this particular set of cards.
Then we add guilt. Maybe the last thing we said was mean, or maybe we haven't talked to that brother in five years. And maybe, we are secretly thrilled that the asshole finally died. Or maybe it's just as simple as "how could that person die and leave me alone."
We get over the loss. Our lives adjust. Yes, we miss folks. My father died when I was 18. I miss him. Not much emotion attached to it. I just notice. Sometimes I'm pretty sad that he's not around.
But we can keep the suffering forever. Isn't that special. All we need to do is remember that the last thing we did before the dog died was kick it, and we are suffering all over again.
We generate it newly each time we beat ourselves up for our history.
That is a horrible game to play. It costs us our full self expression. The more suffering we do, the less we feel we can express the emotions from the triggering incident.
Our ability to create our own hell gives rise to such cute little sayings as "Life's a bitch then you die" and "He who has the most toys dies anyway."
Then to be completely heretical, the invention of religions that have an afterlife or reincarnation gives us the hope that we can finally make amends for what ever it is that we feel guilty about. Divine forgiveness is the same hope. Religions are created to deal with our suffering.
I think it is just a lot easier to give up suffering. There are disciplines that concentrate a lot of effort at untraining our minds -- of turning off the suffering generator.
Suffering is optional. One must select it when ordering up one's life.
I were still a suffering kind of guy, I would never be able to tolerate being in love with someone. I would not be able to deal with going to RHPS every week. If suffering were still a major part of my life, I would be inclined to hide in a small apartment most of the time.
Whew. :)
pdi journal entry and reply this morning.Human beings tend to take things personally. And some people make a career of it. I know a few people who are very, very good at not taking things personally and even they have certain things that get a reaction.
No one can add enough disclaimers to a forum post or a journal entry to warn people that the rest is not personal. In fact, the disclaimers are almost always met with some level of antagonism by a few in the crowd of readers.
It's a filter through which human beings tend to view the world. It's not a bad filter. Very useful, in fact, when one's environment is dangerous. It is a good thing to look at everything in terms of how it will affect one's life.
However, for those many who take everything in the world as a personal affront, I strongly suggest giving that one a rest. I've tried it both ways, and I'll tell you, it is far better to learn QTIP than to suffer along thinking the entire world is lined up to kick in you the butt each time you pass.
QTIP = Quit Taking It Personally.
It is never personal when the traffic light is red or someone cuts you off on the freeway. It is almost never personal when someone doesn't want to date you. (It might be personal if you have a hygiene problem.) In fact, it is rarely all about you when someone dumps you.
I've been dumped twice. Neither time was it about me. The second time, it was very obviously about me.
As much as you are in your head having one-sided conversations, so everyone else is in their head having one-sided conversations.
You would think that with all this drama being created, no one would want to watch the "day time dramas."
Now a word about pain. Especially emotional pain. Human beings are emotional creatures. We come with a full set of expressible emotions. However, over time, we put barriers in the way of our self expression. We learn that there are times when it is not appropriate to express our emotions.
We are lousy at hiding them, though. They leak out in other expressions. One classic subversion is the case where someone gets quieter the more angry they are.
When we put the lid on expression our emotions, we not only have the immediate pain to deal with, but we add suffering to the mix. A value-added offering created in our mind.
For instance, when we fail, we have the immediate disappointment to deal with, then we start making up stories about how we aren't good enough to succeed. The suffering from the those stories is almost always worse than the original pain.
Here is a classic case. A parent, sibling or other person close to us in our lives dies an unexpected death. We have the immediate loss to experience. Our lives have just changed without our permission. There is profound sadness that comes from irrevocable change -- never getting to talk to that person again, for instance -- then we add anger and being dealt this particular set of cards.
Then we add guilt. Maybe the last thing we said was mean, or maybe we haven't talked to that brother in five years. And maybe, we are secretly thrilled that the asshole finally died. Or maybe it's just as simple as "how could that person die and leave me alone."
We get over the loss. Our lives adjust. Yes, we miss folks. My father died when I was 18. I miss him. Not much emotion attached to it. I just notice. Sometimes I'm pretty sad that he's not around.
But we can keep the suffering forever. Isn't that special. All we need to do is remember that the last thing we did before the dog died was kick it, and we are suffering all over again.
We generate it newly each time we beat ourselves up for our history.
That is a horrible game to play. It costs us our full self expression. The more suffering we do, the less we feel we can express the emotions from the triggering incident.
Our ability to create our own hell gives rise to such cute little sayings as "Life's a bitch then you die" and "He who has the most toys dies anyway."
Then to be completely heretical, the invention of religions that have an afterlife or reincarnation gives us the hope that we can finally make amends for what ever it is that we feel guilty about. Divine forgiveness is the same hope. Religions are created to deal with our suffering.
I think it is just a lot easier to give up suffering. There are disciplines that concentrate a lot of effort at untraining our minds -- of turning off the suffering generator.
Suffering is optional. One must select it when ordering up one's life.
I were still a suffering kind of guy, I would never be able to tolerate being in love with someone. I would not be able to deal with going to RHPS every week. If suffering were still a major part of my life, I would be inclined to hide in a small apartment most of the time.
Whew. :)