insecurity

[outlier_lynn]

Insecurity has haunted me for a very long time. It is a separate feeling from uncertainty. Quite different.

In the face of uncertainty, I am willing to experiment and take risks to gain a measure of truth. More than I am not stopped by uncertainty, I often enjoy the puzzle of it. I enjoy teasing out the path. I can look upon uncertainty without self judgement. Uncertainty is merely a lack of enough information to reach a conclusion.

Insecurity rises, instead, from an existing conclusion. Rather than completing a puzzle, I am more intent of creating a maze to confound and divert those close to me lest they see me for the inadequate fool I sometimes think I am.

When I am merely uncertain, I ask questions. When I am insecure, I avoid questions.

I like uncertainty a lot. It is the heart and soul of a troubleshooter -- which is my most developed skill.

Insecurity, on the other hand, I hate. It drives wedges between me and the people I love.

There is way past insecurity but the difficulty of following that path is proportional to the level of insecurity. And it always feels like a tremendous risk. Insecurity is a dragon that is intent only on eating it's own tail.

Bah. I love because I can. Not because I want to be loved back.

Comments

Re: insecurity

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

*nod*. that's a really excellent observation, the difference between uncertainty and insecurity. for me insecurity has a lot to do with having expectations of myself that are not warranted by the data collected so far. i've done really well in situations where i've shifted my internal attitude towards uncertainty after realizing that, but it remains something i need to work on consistently.