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Another night of not sleeping well.
A really, really bad dream. A set of dreams, actually. My sister was killed in each one and in each be a different means and by different people. I woke up this morning with the sting of feeling utterly alone.
I had a great long talk with someone I love last night. It was deeply personal for me and I believe for him also. I miss those kinds of talks. I've tried to push a little to get talks like that going with different people. That seldom works. I was feeling filled with love and, strangely, a little lonely.
We talked about other people in our lives. Some we have in common, some not. We talked a bit about a few people we love in common. I felt a twinge of envy. But what is so, is so. I am not everything to these people in common I would like to be, but I am very happy to be something. It's a little difficult at times mostly because I'm not sure what the "something" really is. I am, though, pretty clear what it is not. So I'll continue to observe and talk and give until clarity arrives, if at all. As Michael Valentine Smith was fond of saying, "Waiting is." I did learn something about the way I show up in our common community. I was slightly surprised by the language. It is a testament to the person I have become. The adjective would NEVER have been applied to me from the time I was 10 until I was 40. I think, though, it is costing me something. I get the feeling it's not viewed as a strength. And a small part of me wants to go back to the way things were. Too much associated baggage with being a mean son of a bitch.
I was reminded in that conversation about the reasons I was considering moving to Northern California sometime back. Even a move to Los Angeles. There is something missing in San Diego that I have been unable to create. In the SF Bay Area or even LA, I could walk right into a ready made community of people I know and who know me. Communities that give and get what I want to receive and give. As much as I dearly love RHPS and many of my fellow cast members, it is not such a community nor will it ever be. That seems odd to me for the movie fits. Well, we all see the world through different eyes.
I've come close to creating such a community here. But not quite close enough. Maybe I'm living in a pipe dream, though. It is possible that the communities I think exist further north don't really exist. Maybe it's just a handful of people scattered across 600 miles. There are a few people in San Diego who fit the general mold, but not the particular vision. Maybe it's not possible to have the people I want in the circumstances I want them. A version of Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of social mechanics.
More likely, it's just Murphy's Law thumbing it's nose at me.
Still, I'm not giving in to cynicism about love and affection. I will never give in. For that would be a sure road to a very, very deep pothole in life. Dangerous for me it would be.
I think about Alexander Jasper and Victoria Julie and some other babies I've known (or known of) in the last few years. I think about their parents. I see a bright future for love, compassion, tenderness and affection.
And in those moments I feel clean and pure. I fill like the energy of universe is pouring through me. And it feels damn good.
A recent conversation with Donna and Dan has left me a bit hungry for a long neglected side of myself. It's time to give some time to my spirit. It's been too long since I walked with my power animal and listened to the wisdom that is available in non ordinary reality. Tomorrow morning, when I am the only one awake in my house, I will journey. I may bring a fresh question to that practice -- What's missing, the presence of which will make a difference?
I've had a few conversations lately with people who were beating themselves up for not playing by the social rules. Upset with themselves for failing to be good human beings as if the social rules were the real way people are and that they were broken for not being that way. A breakthrough waiting to happen. I nudged as much as I could, but each person must find their own reality and create their own community rules. I'm living in the past with mine. I'm living a much more socially liberal attitude than current society permits. Oh well. It works for me. I'm not beating myself up for not playing by someone else's rules.
For those who read my journal -- whether I know you are not, and whether I like you or not -- you are loved just for the miracle that you are.
A really, really bad dream. A set of dreams, actually. My sister was killed in each one and in each be a different means and by different people. I woke up this morning with the sting of feeling utterly alone.
I had a great long talk with someone I love last night. It was deeply personal for me and I believe for him also. I miss those kinds of talks. I've tried to push a little to get talks like that going with different people. That seldom works. I was feeling filled with love and, strangely, a little lonely.
We talked about other people in our lives. Some we have in common, some not. We talked a bit about a few people we love in common. I felt a twinge of envy. But what is so, is so. I am not everything to these people in common I would like to be, but I am very happy to be something. It's a little difficult at times mostly because I'm not sure what the "something" really is. I am, though, pretty clear what it is not. So I'll continue to observe and talk and give until clarity arrives, if at all. As Michael Valentine Smith was fond of saying, "Waiting is." I did learn something about the way I show up in our common community. I was slightly surprised by the language. It is a testament to the person I have become. The adjective would NEVER have been applied to me from the time I was 10 until I was 40. I think, though, it is costing me something. I get the feeling it's not viewed as a strength. And a small part of me wants to go back to the way things were. Too much associated baggage with being a mean son of a bitch.
I was reminded in that conversation about the reasons I was considering moving to Northern California sometime back. Even a move to Los Angeles. There is something missing in San Diego that I have been unable to create. In the SF Bay Area or even LA, I could walk right into a ready made community of people I know and who know me. Communities that give and get what I want to receive and give. As much as I dearly love RHPS and many of my fellow cast members, it is not such a community nor will it ever be. That seems odd to me for the movie fits. Well, we all see the world through different eyes.
I've come close to creating such a community here. But not quite close enough. Maybe I'm living in a pipe dream, though. It is possible that the communities I think exist further north don't really exist. Maybe it's just a handful of people scattered across 600 miles. There are a few people in San Diego who fit the general mold, but not the particular vision. Maybe it's not possible to have the people I want in the circumstances I want them. A version of Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of social mechanics.
More likely, it's just Murphy's Law thumbing it's nose at me.
Still, I'm not giving in to cynicism about love and affection. I will never give in. For that would be a sure road to a very, very deep pothole in life. Dangerous for me it would be.
I think about Alexander Jasper and Victoria Julie and some other babies I've known (or known of) in the last few years. I think about their parents. I see a bright future for love, compassion, tenderness and affection.
And in those moments I feel clean and pure. I fill like the energy of universe is pouring through me. And it feels damn good.
A recent conversation with Donna and Dan has left me a bit hungry for a long neglected side of myself. It's time to give some time to my spirit. It's been too long since I walked with my power animal and listened to the wisdom that is available in non ordinary reality. Tomorrow morning, when I am the only one awake in my house, I will journey. I may bring a fresh question to that practice -- What's missing, the presence of which will make a difference?
I've had a few conversations lately with people who were beating themselves up for not playing by the social rules. Upset with themselves for failing to be good human beings as if the social rules were the real way people are and that they were broken for not being that way. A breakthrough waiting to happen. I nudged as much as I could, but each person must find their own reality and create their own community rules. I'm living in the past with mine. I'm living a much more socially liberal attitude than current society permits. Oh well. It works for me. I'm not beating myself up for not playing by someone else's rules.
For those who read my journal -- whether I know you are not, and whether I like you or not -- you are loved just for the miracle that you are.